Mock Effect 3
by ClintJohnston25
Summary: Sequel to Mr. Buch's masterful mockery of the first game and my continuation of it. The Shepard twins are trying to save the galaxy, loosely following the game "Mass Effect 3"'s script. Jane tries her best to be a paragon, whilst overcoming John's renegade tendencies and the frustrations of being in command of what has to be the oddest crew ever assembled. (Image Credit Saq02)
1. Chapter 1

**Mock Effect 3**

**Prologue: I Told You So**

**INT: HUMAN COMMAND CENTER: MORNING**

_(The camera pans over a room with many people walking in circles and typing rapidly at what can only be assumed are vital reports. Two voices are heard over the commotion: ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS & ADMIRAL ANDERSON)_

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: How bad is it?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: How bad is what?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Something's going on; your people are in an absolute tizzy out there.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Oh, that. Pretty bad. We just lost contact with two of our deep space outposts. And there's something massive on the long range scanners.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Is this what the Shepards warned us about?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: The Mayan calendar thing? They found more of the calendar. Nothing to worry about.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: I meant the Reapers? The giant robots who might be attacking Earth any minute?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Oh! Those Shepards. Yes, I'd stake my life on it.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: How long do we have?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Not long, but we might be able to fit in some pointless exposition before I finish mobilizing the fleets.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: God help us all.

_(Text speeds across the screen, fortunately sliding up to the top of the screen instead of disappearing immediately)_

_In 2007, Bioware released the first installment of "Mass Effect" in what would become the science fiction piece of the century. Shortly thereafter, some people who thought they were funny started adding gag lines and running jokes. This continued through the release of the second installment and the dumb one liners department was foolishly taken up by yet another. Alas, what none of them expected was that the writers would suddenly take themselves seriously and create complex enemies with confusing motives. Two siblings have seen this horror come to life, and now the fate of the galaxy depends on them._

**EXT: EARTH: VANCOUVER: MORNING**

_(The camera refocuses on a small shuttle making its way through future Vancouver, which as we pull back is seen to be a child's toy. A little boy is flying it around in circles making various space noises. We pan back again to focus on a pair of people watching the boy from the window above. They are JANE & JOHN SHEPARD. John looks much the same as he has from the beginning, and is grumbling about his attire. Jane has dyed her hair red and started wearing contact lenses, and is trying to get him to cooperate)_

JANE: Now which is it going to be? The red one, the blue one, or the green one?

JOHN: I don't like any of them! I don't want to wear a tie!

JANE: You don't have a choice. You have to pick one. We've not got a vast array of choices, it's a military tribunal.

JOHN: So? It's not our fault the giant space shrimp are going to kill everyone!

JANE: Yes, but we had to make some tough decisions in order to stop them, and we need to prove that to the court.

_(They are interrupted by a brawny fellow in a tight t-shirt who makes a point of saluting JANE)_

JANE: _(Saluting back)_ It doesn't matter how many times you salute me, James, it's never going to happen. And why are you wearing that ridiculous shirt?

JAMES: It's wash day, Commander, and I've been asked to take you over to the defense committee building.

JOHN: I don't get why you have to take us anywhere.

JANE: The reason he has to take us everywhere is because certain people keep coming up with harebrained escape plans that only end up with us losing more privileges.

JOHN: They aren't harebrained!

JANE: Really? Pray tell me where was the calculation in trying to hang glide off the roof on a sheet?

JOHN: _(Sulkily)_ It would have worked, too, if someone hadn't made me give back the coat hangers.

JANE: Worked like a lead balloon, you mean. What does the defense committee want?

JAMES: Couldn't say. Just told me they needed you now.

JANE: We better not keep them waiting.

_(They follow JAMES into a crowded hallway, and are greeted by an old friend, ADMIRAL ANDERSON)_

JANE: Anderson! Why are you here? How'd you get off the Citadel?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: That retcon will all be explained later, but right now I'm here to do some lightning fast exposition before gameplay starts. Any questions?

JANE: We know all that, we played the first two games. What's going on now?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Admiral Bishopfromaliens is mobilizing the fleets. I'm guessing word's made it to Alliance Command. Something big is headed our way.

JAMES: The Mayan Calendar thing?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: No, the Reapers!

JOHN: Yeah, yeah, giant space shrimp going to eat us. What else is new?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Tell that to the defense committee.

JANE: They haven't listened so far. I've only been shouting about it since Ilos.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Then I need you to keep doing it. We have to do everything we can to stop the Reapers.

_(They turn a corner to see some familiar faces exiting the meeting room, ASHLEY WILLIAMS & CARTH [formerly Kaiden] ALENKO)_

JANE: Carth?

JOHN: Ash?

JAMES: Awkward…

CARTH: Um… hi. How have you been?

JANE: Um… fine. Except for this whole war crimes thing and the giant space shrimp coming to eat us.

CARTH: Right… cool. I'm here waiting on orders.

ASH: That and reporting to the committee in there. They were pretty nosy about you two.

JOHN: I don't care what they think. When are we going out again?

JANE: You aren't going out anywhere since the sheet rope incident.

JOHN: Oh come on! It always works in the vids! And I didn't get hurt!

JANE: Thanks to luck and one very startled window cleaner!

ASH: _(To ANDERSON, as the pair argue) _Everything's normal, then?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Pretty much, yeah. John's got a little biotics now though, and Jane has been practicing a few tricks. Want me to tell them about the promotions?

JANE: _(Tunes in)_ Say what?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: For no discernible reason except that it absolutely proves that time has passed, we've promoted your two friends here up a rank. It won't affect their character at all, but it will briefly impress you.

_(Congratulations are given and they walk into the Committee room. It's big and has a raised area for members to sit on. JANE, JOHN, & the ADMIRAL stand below)_

JANE: _(After a brief period of silence with everyone staring at them)_ So why are we here?

COMMISIONER 1 _(We'll call him Gordon)_: We need you to tell us what's going on.

JANE: But I don't know. You called me.

COMMISIONER 2 _(We'll call her Ivy)_: It's like this. We designed the room and the setting for this to be your trial that gets interrupted by the reaper attack, but realized that this storyline made no sense, so instead of dropping it completely we just changed the wording around so you can consult us on what to do.

JANE: You? Want me to tell you what to do? With the Reapers? When I've warned you about them for over two years? Honey, if you haven't figured it out now, we're all done for.

COMMISIONER GORDON: That's all you can do?

COMMISIONER IVY: You don't have some other brilliant plan up your sleeve?

JOHN: I can tell you what to do! G—

_(What we can only assume would be JOHN's diplomatic solution to the problem is cut short by a staffer who addresses ADMIRAL ANDERSON)_

STAFFER: Admiral, we've lost contact with Luna base.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: They can't be there already.

COMMISIONER GORDON: How'd they get past our defenses?

JANE: You mean the ones you've been bickering about since you locked me up? You never built them!

COMMISIONER GORDON: Oh. That's right. Whoops.

STAFFER: Sir, UK headquarters has a visual.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Why haven't we heard from Admiral Bishopfromaliens?

COMMISIONER IVY: What do we do?

JANE: We run around the galaxy and I get shot at looking for a useless piece of crap that will miraculously save the day at the last minute.

JOHN: You still can't make speeches. Ignore her, dipsticks. I'll tell you what we have to do. The only thing we can do. We fight or we die.

_(JOHN surprisingly inspirational moment is cut short by a Reaper descending through the sky behind them. It fires a magic exploding laser beam at the building which first blows out the windows, then detonates with a big WHUMP that throws everyone towards the back of the building. ADMIRAL ANDERSON recovers the fastest.)_

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Shepard! Where are you? Are you ok? Shepard! Shepard!

JANE: Right here, right here, and still right here. I'm fine. Where's Johnny?

JOHN: _(Under bench)_ Ow. I'm ok down here. I think I'll stay. Ow.

JANE: _(As she and ADMIRAL ANDERSON lift the bench and get JOHN moving)_ Great. So now what do we do?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: We get you to the Normandy, of course! _(Into radio) _Can anyone hear me? Major Alenko? Lieutenant-Commander Williams? Can you meet us at the Normandy's dock?

JOHN: And how are we going to get there?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: By crawling over the rooftops, of course. Didn't you ever play Assassin's Creed?

JANE: And you know all about Vancouver rooftops, how, exactly?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Never mind that now. Here's a revolver for each of you. Charge!

_(Sure enough, the Admiral guides them through several areas until they get to a little terrace balcony. The Admiral drives on ahead, smashing a husk to get the door open. JANE hears a sound and holds back a second, followed by JOHN)_

JANE: Hello? _(Hears a creak in the air vent) _ Is somebody in there?

_(They look and see the little boy from earlier, who seems panic stricken.)_

JOHN: A kid? How'd you get in there?

JANE: Come on out. We'll protect you.

KID: Everyone's dying.

JANE: It'll be ok. What's your name, kid?

KID: Bucky.

JANE: Well, Bucky, we're big strong soldiers and we can keep you safe. Come out.

BUCKY: Momma said never to go with strangers. You can't help me.

JOHN: Your momma's a OW! _(JANE kicks him) _What was that for?

JANE: Not. The. Time. We have to get a move on, Bucky. Come on!

_(JANE turns back to the vent, but BUCKY has crawled away. ADMIRAL ANDERSON calls from the next room.)_

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Can you get back here? I need to finish the exposition and gameplay tutorial!

JOHN: On our way!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: _(As they come into the room he starts making his way through rubble)_ This is a goddamned mess. Every minute these machines are here, thousands of innocent people die. I won't be responsible.

JANE: Not directly no. But maybe if you'd been at the Citadel doing the job I put you in, we'd be better prepared…

JOHN: Yeah, man, why are you here?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: I thought we'd have more time.

JANE: We don't. I don't see how getting to the Normandy will help much. It took a third of the fleet to demolish Sovereign.

JOHN: We have better guns now, though!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: No. I want you to go ask for help at the Citadel.

JANE: Seriously? Just walk up to the Council and say, hey, about that race of giant machines we warned you about? Well, they hit us, and we're all dying, so could you send us some help please?

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: That's what I was thinking, yes.

JOHN: But I want to kill things here!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: You'll be killing things everywhere soon enough. You were both Council Spectres. That has to count for something.

_(They make their way over some ledges and are almost to the dock when the shockwave from the detonating core of a dreadnought blasts them into some debris, which consequently falls over leaving them in range of some nasty red things. Said things shoot at them. They shoot back. The red things die. The blast forces Anderson's radio to stop working)_

JANE: I have a bad feeling about this. What were those?

JOHN: _(Smiling) _ Targets.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: They look like husks, but red, and bigger… and they shoot back.

JANE: I miss Batarians already.

_(Around the corner, they find a radio that still works. ADMIRAL ANDERSON hails the Normandy on it)_

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Now we just have to hold out until they get here.

JOHN: So I shoot the red zombie things?

JANE: _(Continues)_ And husks. Never thought I'd miss husks, either. These bozos can shoot back!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Oh, by the way, we're low on ammo. Aim for the whites of their … mouth?

_(The red aggressive zombies spawn above them and wander around just out of pistol range. When they finally attack, it's in a large enough group that they are having serious trouble knocking them back. One is nearly too them when it is vaporized by a giant blue laser. The NORMANDY 2.0 appears above them, freshly decorated in Alliance colors, and hovers over a nicely slanting piece of rubble. The Reapers, sensing it is plot protected, leave it alone. All three of them run to it. JOHN & JANE jump in. ANDERSON pauses on the ledge)_

JOHN: Come on!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: I'm not going. I'm needed as a leader here.

JANE: We're in this together, Anderson! We need you!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: We can't win this fight without help. We need every species and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers. Talk to the council. Convince them to help us. Run around the galaxy doing errands for Citadel personnel. Buy some nice armor. Then come back and save Earth.

JANE: You're an idiot. They've never listened before!

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Then make them listen. I'll just stay here in this nice comfortable war zone.

JOHN: Coward.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Survivor. Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to. Now go! That's an order!

JANE:_ (Smirking)_ I'm under court martial, remember? You can't order me to do anything.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: Oh yeah?

_(He pulls some shiny metal objects out of his pockets, and tosses them to the Shepards, meaning for them to catch them. Instead, they both duck and there is a moment of awkward silence while they look around on the floor for them. They finally get up and see what they are)_

JOHN: Dog tags! Back in action!

JANE: Wait, you've got mine.

JOHN: Oh drat. _(Swaps)_ Sweet.

ADMIRAL ANDERSON: You're reinstated! Why I had these at your trial demonstrates my faith in you, not some weird habit of holding on to dog tags! Good luck!

JANE: I think you may need it more.

JOHN: _(Reminding)_ Don't forget we have to see the Council.

JANE: Nevermind. I'm going to need all the luck I can get.

_(As they pull away from ADMIRAL ANDERSON's position, JOHN sees something)_

JOHN: Hey, sis, it's that kid from the vents.

_(JANE looks, and sure enough, little BUCKY has managed to get out of his building and board a shuttle. Heartened for a moment, her happiness turns to horror when a Reaper blasts the shuttle out of the sky as it tries to escape. They both stand staring.)_

JANE: That poor kid. Never had a chance.

JOHN: I thought I wanted to kill these things before, but now they've pissed me off. Let's go kick some Reaper ass.

JANE: Not yet. We don't have the strength. But we will. I promise you that.

_(Neither of them is happy about this and so it is with colossal bad timing that JAMES strides up complaining)_

JAMES: Where's Anderson? Are we leaving?

JANE: Anderson stayed behind to manage the resistance. We're running away to beg the Council for help they wouldn't know how to give even if I wrote out a list of directions.

JAMES: Forget it! Drop me off someplace, I'm not leaving!

JANE: You want off, do you? Go take a running jump, because this ship is not landing again. Unless you'd rather fight for the privilege.

JAMES: I just might do that.

JOHN: _(Grinning) _Go ahead. I need something to smash.

_(The building tension is interrupted by JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU's voice over the intercom.)_

JOKER: Commander, there's an urgent message for you from Admiral Bishopfromaliens.

JANE: How'd he find out we were on board so fast?

JOHN: Probably has cameras set up.

JANE: Would not surprise me. _(Opens link) _Admiral, what is so important that you message me as I'm barely escaping with my life from the destruction of everything I hold dear. It had better be good.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: _(Distorted signal)_ … lost contact with … investigate library… Mars.

JANE: The entire system is being blown up, and you want me to find someone's overdue books?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: _(Garbled)_ Liara T'Soni … Superweapon … will defeat Reapers.

JOHN: Say what now? Blue boobs is there? _(Notices ASHLEY glaring) _We can't leave her to die!

JANE: Reaper-defeating superweapon? We're in! _(Ends transmission) _Joker, get us to Mars!

JOKER: _(Voice) _Which planet is Mars again?

EDI: _(Voice)_ The large red one on our right, Jeff.

JOKER: I knew that! I was just checking to see if you did.

EDI: We do not have time to stop and ask for directions.

_(The NORMANDY pulls off into space and we see a familiar logo, the curve of an atmosphere slicing through the words: MOCK EFFECT 3)_


	2. Chapter 2: Get Your A to Mars!

**Mock Effect 3**

**Chapter 2: Get Your A** To Mars!**

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: SHUTTLE DECK**

_(JANE & JOHN SHEPARD are on the NORMANDY 2.0 having left Earth in the midst of a Reaper attack. Accompanied by JAMES VEGA, CARTH [formerly Kaidan] ALENKO, & ASHLEY WILLIAMS. No one is having much fun. They have been ordered to go to an archive on Mars to investigate the possibility of a weapon they can use against the Reapers.)_

ASHLEY: Why Mars?

JANE: Beats me. But at the moment my options are die a miserable death at the hands … er, tentacles of giant metal shrimp, waste my time pleading with the three stooges to send help so they can die at the tentacles of giant metal shrimp, or investigate the one possibility of rescue we have so as few people as possible die at the tentacles of giant metal shrimp.

JOHN: It's also the only way to keep the story moving. "Mass Effect 3: The one where everybody dies" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

JAMES: So who's driving?

JOHN: ME!

JANE: No way!

JOHN: Come on, you never let me have any fun!

JANE: Not happening. I like my lungs free from puncture thanks. Driving what, exactly?

JAMES: _(Gestures behind them to large blue shuttle) _I call it the "Bat."

JANE: Seriously. Like that ancient movie wasn't corny enough? I haven't the foggiest idea how to drive this thing.

JOHN: _(Grumbling)_ Anything really. _(Jane's diss sinks in) _Hey, the gravelly voice is still awesome!

JANE: So's this one. _(Deep echoey british voice) _When I am ashes, then you will have my permission to drive. _(Normal voice) _ So which of you can drive it?

CARTH: I can't, Shepard.

ASHLEY: Not my thing. Sorry.

JAMES: Looks like it's me then. Does it have airbags?

_(They board the shuttle and JOKER & EDI brief them as they approach.)_

**INT: SHUTTLE: MARS ATMOSPHERE**

JOKER: I'm hailing the station, but I'm not getting any response. Could be trouble.

JANE: Or it could be that they have sensibly turned off communications and played dead when monsters started tearing the heart out of Earth…

JOKER: Excuuuse me for trying to build up the tension.

EDI: No Reaper activity, but there is a major storm that will disrupt communications at a point beneficial to the plot.

**EXT: MARS: BACK END OF ARCHIVES PARKING LOT**

JAMES: That storm is looking serious.

JOHN: That storm is not my problem.

CARTH: Why is there a dead body over here?

ASHLEY: Reapers?

CARTH: If it was Reapers, we wouldn't still be here.

ASHLEY: Fair enough.

_(They walk towards the archives, but duck and cover when they hear shots. Peeking around some convenient boxes, they see soldiers executing prisoners.)_

JAMES: They're executing them!

JOHN: CHARGE!

_(Before anyone can tell what's going on, they are standing in front of the Archives entrance surrounded by the bodies of troopers with emblems of Cerberus on their shoulders.)_

JANE: What on earth is going on here?

ASHLEY: Why don't you tell us?

JANE: Excuse me?

ASHLEY: You worked with Cerberus. They rebuilt you & John from scratch! They gave you a ship, and a crew, and a…

JOHN: … fricking suicide mission. Oh boy, I love Cerberus. Not! I like wiping out an alien civilization as much as the next guy, but expecting me to die to save money on the return trip? Not happening.

CARTH: But from the dead?

JANE: I was dead. I didn't have much to say about it.

JOHN: Yeah, I turned them down, but they revived me anyway. Those jerks!

CARTH: You didn't know anything about this?

JANE: You mean in-between the house arrest and this moron's escape attempts?

JAMES: Neither of them has been in contact with Cerberus since they returned to Earth.

ASHLEY: And you would know how?

JANE: Because he's been following us nonstop since Copernicus here _(points to JOHN) _thought bungee cords were the perfect way out. And because he's been watching me, instead of being off gallivanting around the Galaxy and never bothering to tell me he's been promoted or even wasting his breath to say "thank you" for saving his life on Horizon!

JOHN: Yeah! _(To JANE) _Wait, huh?

JANE: And while we're on the subject of people changing, what happened to you, Williams? Long hair? And is that a boob job? I thought you had more self-respect!

ASHLEY: _(Flips hair) _I like my hair. And I just look good in this armor.

JOHN: _(Scrutinizing) _You DID get a boob job! Oh, I've missed so much…

_(CARTH has the brains to look sheepish and ASHLEY backs away guiltily. When the elevator reaches the second floor, they hear loud clanging noises. A voice is heard in the vents)_

VOICE: Just do a little research, Liara. It'll be fun, Liara. No one mentioned the people SHOOTING at me!

_(The clanging continues as Cerberus troopers in the vents with her keep firing. Finally, she finds an opening and kicks it open. Escaping its confines and getting a safe distance away, she creates a biotic singularity that sucks the troopers out of the vents and incapacitates them. Then she executes them with brutal finality. The Shepards cautiously approach from behind)_

JANE: Liara!

JOHN: Tentacle head!

LIARA: Shepard? And Shepard? You're alive? And you're here? _(Pause)_ Why?

JANE: Well, it was the only option that made any sense. Though I expect that will fade shortly.

LIARA: I heard what is happening on Earth. I'm sorry. It's good to see you, though. And Carth & Ashley. It's been so long. Since Illium?

JANE: Well the author of our little parody didn't feel like writing about the mission to take over you-know-who's lair without getting the same compensation Bioware did. Greedy bastard.

LIARA: Thanks for sending me that e-mail telling me where to look though! I've made great progress.

JANE: Speaking of that, why are you here? I mean, I know I'm here to track you down, but the Admiral wasn't clear on why.

LIARA: I've discovered plans for a Prothean device. One that could wipe out the Reapers.

JOHN: Nice. Where is it?

LIARA: Oh it's not built yet. But I'm sure somebody will find the time in between fighting off the Reapers, collecting resources, and discussing things over tea with the Council. I'm so sorry I didn't come visit you, Shepard.

JOHN: I am too. I was so lonely for _(ASHLEY glares at him) … _platonic company up there.

JAMES: So what does this device do? How do we build it?

LIARA: Well, we need the plans from the Archives. But with these people shooting everyone who goes near a console, it might be difficult.

JOHN: That's because most scientists don't shoot back! Let's rock & roll people!

JANE: James, get back to the shuttle. I want a ticket off this planet in case everything goes south.

JAMES: But Commander!

JANE: No buts. Get going! _(JAMES reluctantly takes the elevator downstairs)_

LIARA: Actually, I thought he had a rather nice butt.

JANE: Not now, Liara!

_(They deal with a small opposing force and find a way out and around to a security station. Naturally, their luck doesn't extend far enough to have a clear walkway to the goal point, but the developers have kindly included construction for our heroes to clamber over before they get to the cafeteria. Unfortunately a grisly scene awaits them there.)_

LIARA: They're all dead.

ASHLEY: Someone let out all of the air.

CARTH: How horrible.

JOHN: _(Flipping a body over) _And none of them had their wallets!

_(A flashlight shines amongst the tables, and they see a Cerberus force through the window. A moment later, both the window and the Cerberus force have been dealt with. LIARA runs over to a computer station.)_

LIARA: I'll pressurize the room so we can get through the labs.

CARTH: This device recorded what happened.

JANE: Hit play.

_(A video loads and we see a confused guard trying to contact security.)_

GUARD: Hello? Hello! Hey, Frank! Quit monkeying around alright? I'll pay you next week. Scout's honor. Turn off the security protocols!_ (A tall attractive woman in a lab coat walks in)_ Dr. Core, we'll figure this out, just give us a minute.

_(A minute is not given, as the woman fires a pistol into each of their helmets. She then deoxygenates the cafeteria, ending the response to the shots before it starts.)_

CARTH: Oh my.

ASHLEY: Horrible.

LIARA: _(Bursting into tears)_ What if this is all for nothing, Shepard? What if we're wasting our last hours chasing after some ridiculous pipe dream?

JOHN: So? I don't care if a dumb pipe dream. It's mine. And they may wipe me off the face of… Mars, or wherever the hell I am, but I'm damned if I'm going to sit and wait for it.

LIARA: I wish I had your confidence.

JANE: So do I. Right now all I'm fighting for is a logical plotline.

JOHN: Psh. We'll never get that.

_(They follow the path to the labs, finally reaching the hallway into the tram station. For some reason, the Alliance decided the hallway into the tram station was the only place to install defensive weaponry throughout the entire archives. This requires a more delicate approach.)_

JOHN: Goody, giant gun. You go first.

JANE: Whatever happened to all that confidence?

JOHN: Oh, I'm confident. Confident that there is a huge gun at the end of this hallway. I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but being turned into hamburger? I leave that to the little people.

ASHLEY: For pity's sake! _(She charges down the hallway, hiding behind chest high bulletproof crates.)_

CARTH: Well, that explains how Cerberus got in.

_(They follow ASHLEY's path, then fight off a small squad of soldiers who were rather surprised that someone else used their method. LIARA sits at the computer but finds the controls locked out. The security cameras are still working and they witness a conversation)_

DR. CORE: Set up a perimeter. No one comes across.

SOLDIER: No one? We still have teams over there.

DR. CORE: Did I say "Someone"? No. No one comes across. I have important work to do and I don't want to be interrupted.

SOLDIER: Fine. _(Mutters something uncharitable)_

DR. CORE: What was that? Nothing? I thought not. Now turn off those cameras! _(Shoots the one in front of her)_

JANE: _(Back at the tram station)_ Charming lady. Can you override that block, Liara?

LIARA: We're on a different network, I can't access it.

CARTH: I have an idea.

JANE: What?

CARTH: If we can find a helmet to helmet transmitter… maybe we can talk them into sending a tram over.

JOHN: That lady sounded pretty definite. Sort of like Jane when she hasn't had any coffee.

JANE: Oh no... that's my "I've not had any coffee, it's 7 AM and you're trying to shatter the windows with opera music" voice.

JOHN: Like I said, scary. I wouldn't send one over.

_(LIARA stays at the computer, whilst JANE, JOHN, CARTH & ASHLEY look around outside.)_

ASHLEY: I found one. _(Opens mask, then draws back)_ My god, he's a husk.

CARTH: What did Cerberus do to him?

JANE: That's awful. _(At their questioning looks)_ Don't look at me! I don't know. I've been stuck under house arrest for 6 months.

CARTH: But how do we know it's not the Illusive Man controlling you?

ASHLEY: You could be puppets and not know.

JOHN: Would a puppet do this? _(Obscene gesture)_

ASHLEY: He could.

CARTH: He might be doing it without your knowledge.

JANE: Seriously? I expected better out of you two. I die for 2 years, and you are as suspicious as if I'd planned my own death. I. Don't. Like. Cerberus. What will it take to convince you?

ASHLEY: A third of the plotline of the game, plus some speech checks.

CARTH: We are potential love interests, so we have to have something dramatic.

JANE: _(Rolling eyes)_ Of course. John, do the honors.

JOHN: Drippy eyes. Yech. _(Reaches in and grabs transmitter)_ Hello? Is anyone on this channel? This is… Larry.

VOICE: Larry? Where the hell have you been?

JOHN: Uh… well… I needed to use the bathroom, and I couldn't find one, and then they turned the gun back on as I got to the hallway, and I needed to use the bathroom again… and now I'm here. Can you send a tram over? There aren't any survivors over here.

VOICE: Are you sure? Did you check the empty stalls? _(Mocking laughter is heard)_

JOHN: HEY! Not cool, man. Just send the tram!

VOICE: Can't. Got orders from her royal highness Pain-in-the-tuchus.

JOHN: Ok. Cool. I can handle that. Of course, that means I get to keep all these credit chits I found on the bodies to myself. Oh wow, this guy was loaded. _(Signals JANE)_

JANE: _(Computer voice) _Transferring to account. Would you like your account balance today?

JOHN: Yes, yes I would. How much do I have so far?

JANE: _(Still imitating EDI)_ 12, 316 credits. Would you like to transfer your remaining chits into this account? Our sensors indicate that there at least 10 more in your possession.

VOICE: Fine. I'll send one over. But if the boss lady throws a fit, I'm handing you over on a silver platter.

JOHN: You couldn't afford one! But now I can. _(Laughs mischievously)_

VOICE: Yeah, yeah. Some guys have all the luck.

_(They wait patiently for the tram to arrive. Larry's teammates aren't in much of a hurry, but the tram gets there.)_

TEAMMATE 1: Hey, Larry?

TEAMMATE 2: Gorv sent us over here, said you had credit chits to share. Come on out!

TEAMMATE 1: I'll bet he went to the bathroom. I'll go find him.

TEAMMATE 2: I'll go turn off the big gun.

_(As they walk away, the tram pulls away with our team on board.)_

TEAMMATE 1: Hey! That's our tram!

TEAMMATE 2: Well this sucks. Good thing we stopped to set that bomb on the tracks.

TEAMMATE 1: That was only supposed to strand Larry, not us!

TEAMMATE 2: We should wave.

_(Aboard the Tram)_

JANE: That was easy.

JOHN: Too easy.

JANE: Why are you always like that? Can't we have a bit of good luck?

_(Bomb on track explodes, stranding them)_

JANE: No one say a word.

_(In a demonstration that greed is more powerful than practicality, a second tram comes out to meet them, presumably to help "Larry" with his credit chits. Instead, JOHN jumps aboard and with the help of CARTH's biotics, dumps all the guards off the tram. Reboarding, they ride across to the archives station.)_

**INT: MARS: PROTHEAN ARCHIVES: LUNCHTIME**

_(The room appears empty, but JANE sends CARTH & ASHLEY to patrol it anyway. She, JOHN & LIARA approach the center of the archives to get to the bottom of this mysterious weapon. LIARA is barely through entering her password when voice speaks behind them. It's the familiar hologram of TIM [The Illusive Man])_

TIM: I was wondering when you would show up.

JANE: Why?

TIM: Why what?

JANE: Why, when earth is under attack, are you, the defender of all humanity, busy killing humans to steal information that might save them! Oh wait, I forgot, you're willing to make "sacrifices" like the humanity of your own troopers!

TIM: I'm not sacrificing them, I'm improving them. I improved you, didn't I? _(Points to JOHN) _Him I can't take much credit for. All Lawson's idea.

JANE: Against my will, and I paid our debt by saving humanity from the Collectors.

JOHN: And the Terminator.

TIM: You've always been short-sighted, Shepard. You only want to destroy the Reapers, but how strong would humanity be if we controlled them?

JANE: You mean if you controlled them?

TIM: Well, yeah. Obviously. Who better?

JANE: We can't go on fighting each other! Work with me and we'll sort out what to with them after we have them defeated!

TIM: As clear-headed and possibly brilliant as your plan sounds, it'll interfere with the insignificant side missions that set up the maps for the multiplayer portion of this game. I shall regret the loss of you. You were a tool, an agent of…

JOHN: We're tools? You're a giant tool! We tried being nice. Now we're going to kick your blue butt! _(JOHN fires into the hologram, smashing the emitter and dissolving the image)_ Jerk.

LIARA: Well that was gratifying. _(Attempts to access data) _ Shepard, the data, it's gone! It's being erased!

JANE: What? How?

LIARA: Someone in this room is uploading it!

**INT: MARS: PROTHEAN ARCHIVES: OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM: AT THE EXACT SAME TIME**

_(For lack of anything better to do, CARTH & ASHLEY are patrolling the room. At the moment LIARA discovers the data is being breached, they find a person working at an active console. The person is DR. EVA CORE, who reacts to their instructions to back away by sweeping a leg under Ashley and punching Carth in the stomach. She then proceeds to sabotage the console with a bladed omni-tool and book it out of the room. Everyone gives chase)_

JANE: _(Running) _Follow her!

JOHN: _(Flagging)_ I'm trying! This chick is fast!

LIARA: Come on, we can do it!

ASHLEY: Her shields won't go down!

CARTH: Must be plot proof. I just overloaded them enough to bring a big daddy up short!

_(They follow across roofs and down ledges, through tunnels and up ladders, over the river and through the woods, until the DR CORE jumps into a waiting shuttle at the top of the archives. They try to shoot her down, but she's quickly out of range.)_

**EXT: MARS: ARCHIVES: NEARLY TO GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE**

JANE: _(In desperation)_ James! Joker! Anybody! Shoot down that shuttle!

JAMES: _(Over radio)_ I'm on it!

_(JAMES' shuttle comes speeding out of the sun and hits the enemy shuttle dead on. It crashes into the wall, bursting into flames. James' shuttle doesn't fare much better, but manages to land on the same roof. JANE runs up to it while JOHN and the others pick themselves up)_

JANE: What the hell were you doing? I said shoot it down!

JAMES: I got it down didn't I? And the shuttle doesn't have guns!

JANE: Yes it does! Right there with the red button for the missile!

JAMES: Oops. The Normandy should be here soon to pick us up.

JANE: And how'd you get in contact with them? The storm was cutting off all communication!

JAMES: _(Meekly) _ The storm ended?

_(As this discussion is going on, CARTH & ASHLEY are hauling up a dazed LIARA and carrying her to the evac point. They are interrupted by a creaking sound and DR EVA CORE emerges from the wreckage of the shuttle. She's lost all her clothes and skin, but doesn't appear to be hurt. She appears to be entirely made of metal!)_

JOHN: Shoot it!

_(CARTH & ASHLEY make a good attempt, but are rushed by the machine, which grabs each of them by the throat and holds them up, blocking JOHN's shot. JANE & JAMES run up to help)_

JOHN: Put them down!

DR CORE: _(Into radio)_ Instructions?

_(Apparently receiving some, she grasps her victims tighter and then smashes their heads together before smashing them into the crashed shuttle, severely wounding them. She then rushes towards JOHN who for once doesn't try to charge in headfirst, and instead [with Jane & James] fires rapidly into the Doctor's "body" until she falls at their feet, dead or at least dormant.)_

JANE: Are they ok?

JAMES: Alenko seems pretty bad off.

LIARA: Ashley too.

JANE: Get them to the med bay. John, grab that thing. Maybe we can use it to track down Tim or something.

_(The NORMANDY lands and they quickly get the wounded to the med bay. JANE orders LIARA to use EDI to try and find out if they can get anything from DR CORE / Machine. She & JOHN then head up to the radio room she's never seen to call ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS, only to be called first)_

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Shepard! Did you get the data?

JANE: No. Because you failed to mention that Cerberus was en route to attack it! We have two people hurt badly!

JOHN: Not that we mind shooting our way out, but a little warning would be nice.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: So does Cerberus have the data?

LIARA: _(Interrupting) _Actually, they only got a little. Edi and I were able to pull off most of it. It appears to be a large device of some kind. _(Uses omni-tool to emit a picture)_

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Perfect. Forward me that data and then get to the Citadel!

JANE: We can do more damage if we help people on Earth!

JOHN: And shoot more Reapers!

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: You'd be throwing away your lives and ruin the whole plot of this story.

LIARA: We can't beat them conventionally!

JANE: Yes we can! Sovereign?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: That took a third of our fleet and some incredibly lucky shots and it was just one reaper! You have to ask the Council for help, or we will simply be annihilated. Just talk to the Council.

LIARA: They'll see the seriousness of the situation and agree to help. I'm sure of it.

JANE: And I'm a three legged monkey. _(Sighs) _But we're out of options. We'll do it.

JOHN: Awesome! I just have one question.

LIARA: Yes?

JOHN: When do we eat?


	3. Chapter 3: Weeds of the Galaxy

**Mock Effect 3**

**Chapter 3: "Weeds of the Galaxy"**

**INT: CITADEL: DOCKING STATION: MORNING**

_(Having completely missed a beautiful video of the NORMANDY flying into the Citadel and pulling gracefully into a docking station, JANE is worrying about her injured crew as a group of emergency medical personnel haul them away on stretchers. One of them sees this and tries to reassure her.)_

EMT: They'll be fine, you know. We're taking them to Huerta Memorial. Fastest care on the Citadel.

JANE: Fastest? What about the best?

EMT: Oh we are the best… the best in range. If we can't fix you, no one else near the elevator can!

_(JAMES, JOHN, & LIARA come up behind her)_

JAMES: We aren't going with them?

LIARA: We have to see the Council as soon as possible. They must help us save Earth.

JOHN: Those yahoos? They wouldn't be of help if they were from Krypton.

JANE: We have to try. They have the power, and we have to swing it our way. This is probably their guy now. Bailey?

_(While the applause signs flicker, CAPTAIN ARMANDO BAILEY walks towards JANE, a grim smile on his face)_

BAILEY: Actually, it's Commander Bailey now.

_(Oh sorry… COMMANDER ARMANDO BAILEY…yada yada yada)_

BAILEY: Thanks. I got promoted; darned if I know why, but I'm going to take the money, you better believe it.

JOHN: Does it pay better than what you had going in Zakhera Ward?

BAILEY: Not really. You can't get away with stealing a paperclip up here, let alone letting gang lords pay off your kids' school loans. So thanks a lot for getting him interested in my career, Shepard!

JANE: Who? Getting who interested? And why are you here if not to take us to the Council?

BAILEY: Councilor Udina of course! I was good to go down in the wards. I had a nice apartment, a steady workload, and all the payoffs I could handle. But you pay one little visit to my desk, and all of a sudden, I'm the fellow Udina wants to investigate Executor Pallin.

JANE: I'm sorry. What happened? Did you get attacked or something?

BAILEY: Or something. That Turian tried to resist arrest and the jerk who shot him said I did it. So he got my job, and I got "promoted" up here where I spend my days ferrying around dignitaries. No offense.

JOHN: Dang. That sucks. Did you at least get a nicer office?

BAILEY: Meh. All the more people want to "visit" me. I was happier with just my little desk on the corner where I could yell immoral suggestions at my staff.

JAMES: Could you quit?

BAILEY: And miss my cameo? I'd rather lose an eye. Anyhow, the Council won't see you right away, they're on the 17th hole and need a bit more time for Moe to wake up and take his shot. I saw the EMTs go by on my way here; you could go visit your friends if you like. Actually, it's pretty much the only other thing you can do. The elevator's having trouble and has locked out all the other floors.

JANE: Well that settles it for me. I'm going down to see Carth & Ashley. John, you coming?

JOHN: I hate hospitals. But I hate politicians more. Hospital it is.

BAILEY: Damn right. Weeds of the galaxy, I say. _(Communicator beeps)_ Uh oh. That's me. I have to go deal with the disenfranchised masses again. Later, Shepard. _(Leaves)_

LIARA: I will meet you at Udina's office, Shepard.

JAMES: I'll find something else to do. Thanks.

JANE: So I don't have to pick two crew-members to go around with to make comments on the citadel?

JAMES: Nah, we pick a place you'll wind up anyway, and offer brief cinematics of us coping with the enormity of the mission.

JOHN: Coping meaning drinking? Nice! I missed Chora's Den.

JAMES: See you around.

**INT: CITADEL: HUERTA MEMORIAL HOSPITAL: STILL MORNING**

_(JANE & JOHN walk through the narrow lobby area, and see an old friend waiting for them.)_

JANE: Dr. Bastillasmother!

JOHN: Hide the rum!

DR. BASTILLASMOTHER: I'm so glad to see you Shepard. I heard about your crew and came to check on them.

JANE: Are they ok?

DR. BASTILLASMOTHER: They're down the hall, past the security screening. Is it possible I could get my old job back?

JANE: Do we have any choice?

DR. BASTILLASMOTHER: You could go with the French redhead over there, but you'd only do that if you were totally heartless. I'm part of the lore, after all.

JOHN: Hmmm…

DR. BASTILLASMOTHER: No, you can't sleep with her. She just does the same dialogue I do, with a boring mention of her brother.

JOHN: Welcome aboard then. You tell the funniest stories when you drink. _(DR BASTILLASMOTHER leaves)_

JANE: Right. You go check on Ashley, and I see whether Carth is awake.

_(They walk down the hallway, noting that this Hospital must indeed be fast, as there seem to be about five beds in total for patients. JOHN goes into the first room and sees ASHLEY. He experiences a rare moment of emotion)_

JOHN: Ash. I knew you'd pull through. You're stubborn. And strong. And I'll miss you. So get well soon, huh? _(A doctor comes up behind him)_ Doc, you need anything, you let me know.

DOCTOR: Well, I'd like my CPR dummy back, for one thing.

JOHN: Huh?

DOCTOR: You're talking to my CPR dummy. We're about to do a class? You here about that Alliance lady? She's the next room over.

JOHN: Oh. Thanks. Have fun, I guess.

DOCTOR: And the psych ward is just past that. No problem.

_(JOHN walks next door, but has lost whatever brief flash of clarity he was experiencing.)_

JOHN: Yo, Ashley! Still unconscious. Drat. Hey, they left a lunch here! Pudding!

_(JOHN contentedly scarfs down ASHLEY's lunch while JANE has a suitably touching moment where she begs CARTH to live. They meet in the hallway and ride the elevator up to the embassies deck.)_

**INT: CITADEL: EMBASSY DECK: ALMOST NOON**

JOHN: So where is this shindig?

JANE: I don't know. Let's ask that Asari. Miss, where can I find Councilor Udina's office?

ASARI: First door down the hall on the right. Actually the only door on the right. Are you by any chance the Shepards?

JANE: That's us. We have an appointment with Councilor Udina.

ASARI: He sent me to get you. They finished their … business and are ready for audiences. Your friend is already there.

JOHN: That was easy. Didn't even have to go in the office.

_(Using the magic of Citadel instant transit, they find themselves in the Council chamber with LIARA. In front of them on a high podium are the four council members. LARRRY [Turian] CURLY [Asari] MOE [Salarian] & UDINA [probably human]. CURLY is smiling politely, LARRY & UDINA are glaring at one another and MOE is snoring.)_

UDINA: …Earth was the first Council world hit. By all reports, it bears the brunt of the attack!

LARRY: By your reports!

JANE: Udina is slimy Machiavellian krayt dragon, but I really don't think he'd stoop so low as to fake an invasion of Earth. Particularly one so effective it scared the living bananas out of me. We need your help to take it back!

UDINA: Nice to see you, too, Shepard.

CURLY: We face a similar situation. The Reapers are pressing on our borders as we speak.

JOHN: Similar means the same right? _(JANE nods)_ How the hell is it the same? Giant robot space shrimp are descending on Earth and killing everything they see with pink lasers. We saw them tear Vancouver apart! Their "pressing on your borders" doesn't count!

CURLY: And what would you have us do, pool all our fleets in a gigantic suicide attempt? We have to hold back and hit them when they are weakest.

JANE: I don't expect you to help us with no plan.

LARRY: And just what is your plan?

JANE: Liara?

LIARA: Councilors: we have a device designed by the Protheans that will wipe out the Reapers!

CURLY: Erm… the Protheans who were destroyed by the Reapers Protheans? Because it sounds like it may not be 100% effective.

LARRY: Why haven't you used it?

LIARA: It's not exactly built yet. But we have the blueprints!

MOE: _(Waking up)_ Blueprints? Where? I just had this amazing idea for a drinking establishment. It'll be "The place where everyone knows your name," and it will be a glorious example of inter-species cooperation!

UDINA: We're talking about the Reapers. We have a device that might stop them. We need help to build it.

MOE: Not a drinking establishment, then? Well, go ahead and build it. If it works, you might get a seat on the Council!

JANE: We already have a seat on the Council! Not that it's doing any good!

CURLY: I'm sorry, Shepard. At this time we cannot assist you. We'll be holding a meeting to plan our defenses soon though, and we might have some extra resources to send you when that is complete.

MOE: It's the best plan. We'll send you everything we have left over though!

UDINA: Shepard, meet me in my office.

LIARA: They'll help. I'm sure of it.

JANE: Yep. They'll send diddley squat until we're already done for.

JOHN: So it's us against the whole universe? I like our odds!

**INT: CITADEL: EMBASSY FLOOR: UDINA'S OFFICE: MID – AFTERNOON**

_(JANE is pacing fretfully about the office, while JOHN is sitting in UDINA's chair drawing unmentionable things in permanent marker on his desk. UDINA stomps in._)

UDINA: They're a bunch self-concerned jackasses, Shepard!

JANE: I never thought I'd say this, but you're absolutely right. How can they not see what's right in front of their face? If we fall, the Reapers will just be stronger!

UDINA: They're scared. And idiots. And not able to wipe their spiky scaled behinds without permission from the home planets.

JOHN: Wait, I thought they were in charge?

UDINA: Who said that?

JOHN: You guys did. Back in the first game, the Galaxy was run by a three man dictatorship. Well one bird man, one lizard man, and one hot blue chick. You know what I mean!

UDINA: Oh, we retconned that out. Now they're representatives of their species and can't act without approval of the home government.

JANE: Seems backwards to me. Though it's not like the old concept of the Council did anything different. Speaking of which… how did you get to be Councilor? I left Anderson in charge, and he was still in charge during his cameo in the last game?

UDINA: That? Oh, I talked him into letting me take over.

JOHN: You? Talked Anderson into quitting?

UDINA: He really wasn't cut out for a political life. I was doing all his work for him and just the public appearances were wearing on him.

JANE: This makes no sense. He said he'd shoulder that burden to help humanity!

UDINA: Fine. I offered him a book deal. I said they'd write more novels based on the series and they'd be advertised more in the better book shops. He jumped on it like a Quarian on a talk show.

JOHN: I like the way you work, mister!

JANE: That would attract him. Fine, so you're Councilor now. How do we get the rest of them board?

UDINA: We make them an offer they can't refuse…

LARRY: _(Making an entrance)_ Orrr, you go around us.

JANE: I beg your pardon?

JOHN: Huh?

LARRY: We can't make the decision, but I may have a solution for you. Of course you'll have to help us out with something first.

JANE: _(Skeptical)_ Ah yes… "Help" We have dismissed that claim.

LARRY: This is no time for petty feuds. I still find you barely worthy of my notice, but I need something you can provide. A stealthy extraction for the Primarch of the Turian empire.

JOHN: That like the boss?

LARRY: Sort of. General in charge so to speak. He's called for this conference, and your saving his life might work in your favor.

JANE: Might?

LARRY: We're Turians. We promise nothing. He needs to be pulled off of Menae, one of Palaven's moons.

JANE: We'll think on it.

LARRY: Well, please think quickly, and while you do, I wanted to notify you that we've decided to restore your Spectre status. Against my better judgment, of course, but war is hell. You are both now full Spectre officers. Raise your right hands and repeat after me.

JANE & JOHN: _(Sharing a meanspirited grin)_ After me after me after me.

LARRY: _(Sigh)_ Why do I bother?

JANE & JOHN: _(Dramatic sigh) _Why do I bother?

LARRY: Goodbye.

JANE & JOHN: Goodbye!

UDINA: Well that was surprising. It's not often they offer us an opening like this.

JANE: I suppose we might as well take it.

JOHN: Hey! I have equal say now!

JANE: You have a problem with rescuing a turian?

JOHN: Nah, I just wanted to approve it. Co-Spectres?

JANE: Oh hell, why not? It's not like it's the end of the world. Co-Spectres.

**INT: CITADEL: EMBASSY FLOOR: ENTRANCEWAY: LATE AFTERNOON**

_(As JANE & JOHN prepare to board the elevator, they are approached by the most stubborn reporter to ever be in a byline. KHALISAH BINT SINAN AL-JILANI stabs a microphone in their faces and demands answers)_

AL-JILANI: Commander Shepard! Isn't it true you were on Earth when it was attacked? How do you justify running away while millions of people on Earth die?

_(JOHN sneers and prepares a fist to slam her to the ground, but it never lands. Instead he makes a tiny sound and falls over on his side. AL-JILANI lowers her knee and resumes questioning JANE.)_

AL-JILANI: Is that the best we can expect from the Alliance?

JANE:We're here to get help for Earth.

AL-JILANI: What about the people suffering while you play politics with the council?

JANE: Give me one reason why I shouldn't slip you one for coming after me when I'm trying to help people.

AL-JILANI: You can turn me into a war asset for 15 zilch points. So, do you want me to keep asking the hard questions?

_(JOHN sweeps a leg under her feet, knocking her flat.)_

JOHN: _(Getting up)_ Not worth it. I ever see you again, and I'll stick you up on the top of the Citadel tower. Have fun getting down without mag boots!

_(Leaving a dazed AL-JILANI on the ground, they take the elevator down to the docks, but before they can board, a brunette in a tight dress approaches them and of all things, sticks a microphone in their faces.)_

JANE: Honestly, you people should talk to one another. Johnny, you want to handle this one too?

REPORTER: _(Thinking quickly)_ You can't punch me out, I'm a cameo!

JOHN: Who? I've never seen you before.

REPORTER: I'm Jessica Chobot! Well Diana Allers in-game. But if you let me ride along, I'll interview for more zilch points!

JANE: Still not getting it. Jessica who?

CHOBOT: Chobot! The Attack of the show? IGN?

JANE: Never heard of them.

CHOBOT: I do game reviews. I'm in the game as a tribute to my industry acumen. It has nothing to do with Mass Effect 3 getting 9.5 out of 10 on IGN's review.

JANE: And you want to … "ride along"?

CHOBOT: I want to do front line reporting and you have a starboard storage area that you're never going to use, so why not?

JOHN: You're hot. You can stay. _(Grinning, she grabs a bag and heads towards the ship)_

JANE: What? Whatever happened to "If I ever see you again, I'll leave you on top of the Citadel tower?"

JOHN: That one wasn't wearing a pencil skirt.

JANE: You're an idiot.

**INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN'S CABIN: EARLY EVENING**

_(JANE has somehow got up to the Captain's Cabin and she's resting fitfully. She comes to on a grey world, in a park of some sort)_

JANE: Ok. I'm probably dreaming. _(Spots a hobbit hole in the distance) _Definitely dreaming. Dreams are usually trying to tell us something. _(She tries to walk forward, but barely any speed translates to her legs) _It's like I'm running through molasses. _(Looks down )_ I am running through molasses. _(She hears a child's laughter in the distance and slogs towards it. It's BUCKY, the boy from the air vent. She waves at him but they hear a reaper noise and he runs away) _Come back! I'll protect you! _(She finally catches up and the boy looks mournfully up at her before bursting into flames.)_

_(A knock sounds on the door, waking her. LIARA is waiting patiently outside.)_

LIARA: Rough night, Shepard? You look like something the bantha dragged in.

JANE: Weird dreams. What do you need?

LIARA: You know if you ever need company…

JANE: I have a fish tank. That's all the company I want. Why are you here?

LIARA: They do say that fish are very relaxing, but millions of Liara fanboys can't be wrong.

JANE: I get it, you're a romance option. I thought your character was expanded to be something other than naïve sex partner. Revenge and information broker stuff, right?

LIARA: Oh that? That just means I stopped by Garrus' school and took the class on how to type standing up. Very helpful. I'm just stopping by to let you know that the kitchen has only three flavors of jello for lunch today.

JANE: Thank you. Anything else?

LIARA: The script says to wait.

_(The elevator arrives and a dark skinned brunette steps out.)_

BRUNETTE: That would be my cue. My script says "Awkward introduction, with giant hints of romance option." Oh, hello, Commander. I'll leave if I'm interrupting anything…

LIARA: It's ok, I was just leaving. _(Whispers)_ I think she's straight…

BRUNETTE: Well let's straight to the point then. I'm Specialist Samantha Traynor, and I'm going to be … _(reads)_ taking your messages. Seriously? That's it?

JANE: Could be worse. You could be the crew psychologist.

TRAYNOR: _(Shivers)_ Oh no. Anything but that.

JANE: And why are YOU here, aside from that introduction?

TRAYNOR: I'm to give you the grand tour of the ship.

JANE: Thanks but no thanks. I know my own ship. I've had it and its predecessor for going on 4 years now.

TRAYNOR: How about a conversation where I pretend to be surprised and embarrassed when I figure out that a Cerberus ship broke the rules and installed an AI?

JANE: Goodbye, Specialist Traynor!

_(TRAYNOR departs and through the magic of cutscenes, JANE & JOHN are instantly transported to a communication room)_

JOHN: Dagnabit. I was just settling on which color jello I wanted.

JANE: I wish they'd stop doing this. I'm going to have teleport lag or something, and lose a finger.

JOHN: Heh. Bet I know which one.

_(ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS' hologram interrupts them)_

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Commander, how many ships can we expect?

JANE: None. I told you the Council would be useless.

JOHN: Actually, you said…

JANE: Never mind the exact wording.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Well, do you have another plan? Because right now I'm sitting in space with thousands of scared angry troops with plans to build a device I don't have the supplies for, and I would really like some ideas soon!

JANE: I could shoot them?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: It wouldn't work. They'd just have their home governments replace them.

JOHN: So why not go to them?

JANE: Go to who?

JOHN: If the home governments have the guns, let's go ask for them.

JANE: The Turians did ask us to rescue their Primark.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Good. Do that. I'll keep these people working 18 hour shifts so no one pulls a Baltar on me.

_(ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS vanishes, and the Shepards look around the room for the first time.)_

JOHN: Um… Jane… Where the hell are we?


	4. Chapter 4:All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Mock Effect 3

Chapter 4: All Your Base Are Belong To Us

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: WAR ROOM: COMMUNICATOR: MORNING**

_(After an embarrassing conversation with EDI, JANE & JOHN SHEPARD find their way back to the CIC, where TRAYNOR is waiting for them.)_

TRAYNOR: "I know my own ship", eh?

JANE: Most of it, anyway. How did you people still manage to leave out the chairs?

TRAYNOR: They were going to be delivered next week.

JOHN: Whatever, where's this Turian muckety-muck?

JANE: We have to pick him up off a moon.

JOHN: So we don't get to go to the Turian homeworld? I want to see some real spiky head fighting!

TRAYNOR: Seeing as it's under heavy Reaper attack, that would be unwise.

JOHN: On second thought, I'm ok with just a moon.

_(After spending a few minutes picking a gun in every type and then realizing they were too heavy altogether, JOHN settles for a shotgun whilst JANE selects a sniper rifle and pistol. JAMES & LIARA join them, and they ride the shuttle towards the beleaguered moon.)_

**INT: SHUTTLE: PALAVEN AIRSPACE: STILL MORNING**

LIARA: _(Looking at visual feed) _Oh no. Palaven…

JANE: _(Explaining to JAMES' confused look)_ We have an old… fri… associate… down there.

JAMES: Huh?

JANE: I was explaining. Liara's comment. You had this confused look?

JAMES: I was wondering how much Turians can bench press.

JOHN: See now, that's an intelligent question. I mean they're badass, but can their arms really hold that much?

_(The conversation goes on in the background while LIARA turns to JANE)_

LIARA: Was it this bad on Earth?

JANE: Um, yes. Hence why I'm here rescuing this Primarch. You saw the reports! That's how you knew Cerberus was coming, right?

LIARA: Oh. Right. I lose track. I've been so caught up in this prothean device research, I guess I never saw any video footage.

JANE: Just what sort of character are you? I mean, in the first game, you verged on the absurd with your sexual ambivalence / innocent schoolgirl routine; and in the second, your cameo as a revenge driven broker who minors in ominous threats was just weird; and in this game you're an insane workaholic with a secret identity that controls whole systems. Which is it?

LIARA: That would be telling.

_(Any further conversation is cut off by JOHN spotting husks through the window and demanding to open the door to shoot at them. The rest of them join in and take down about three with lucky shots before a voice over the intercom buzzes them)_

VOICE: Why are you using those peashooters when you have a mounted machine gun right there?

JOHN: What? Cool!

_(He activates it and starts blasting away, clearing the landing area.)_

JANE: Wait, who was that?

VOICE: Steve Cortez, ma'am. Shuttle pilot. We'll talk more later, when the speed of the plot slows down.

JANE: Right. Stand by, Cortez, I want to be off this moon as soon as possible.

**EXT: MENAE: TURIAN ENCAMPMENT: DARK MORNING**

_(A cooperative guard directs them to his commanding officer, a GENERAL CORINTHUS. He is very busy managing his troops)_

JANE: General?

GENERAL CORINTHUS: _(To a soldier)_ Tobestik, get your men up on that north barricade.

JANE: General!

GENERAL CORINTHUS: _(To another soldier)_ Bartus, get that comm tower operational.

JOHN: Hey Spiky head!

_(All eyes turn to them, and not a few sidearms.)_

JANE: I apologize for the interruption, General, and for my brother's impolite attempt to garner your attention, but I'm Commander Shepard an….

GENERAL CORINTHUS: I know who you are.

JANE: Good, then you know why I'm here, I have to get the Pri…

GENERAL CORINTHUS: Can't. He's dead.

JOHN: Awww, sh_.._

JANE: _(Hurriedly)_ I'm sorry to hear that, General. But I need a Primarch to take back to this war conference. If I don't have one, I lose any hope of saving Earth.

LIARA: The Turian Hierarchy provides very clear lines of succession.

GENERAL CORINTHUS: And would an Asari _(Looks her up and down)_ waitress know about that?

LIARA: Why, you! I'll have you know I'm the… the… _(Remembers herself)_

GENERAL CORINTHUS: The what?

LIARA: I read a lot of news.

GENERAL CORINTHUS: Why don't you go study up on diplomatic relations and I'll talk with your boss, alright? The fact of the matter is that no matter how clear the line of succession for Primarch may be, with my communications tower down, all I can tell you is that I'm not it.

JANE: Fine, we'll go fix your tower. Then will you find us the Primarch?

GENERAL CORINTHUS: I'll do my best. The comm tower is to the right over there. Look out for husks!

_(JANE & Team promptly turn to the left and walk to the airfield. They board the shuttle and direct Mr. CORTEZ to fly over to the comm tower. While JANE fiddles with the controls on the tower, JOHN blasts husks away with the cannon, whilst LIARA & JAMES take potshots at the survivors. With the tower fixed and the husks eliminated, they fly back to GENERAL CORINTHUS)_

JANE: So, do we have an answer yet?

GENERAL CORINTHUS: _(Hedging)_ Not quite. There are a lot names to find…

TURIAN VOICE: Don't worry, Shepard we'll find your Primarch. I mean, my Primarch. Whatever, you get the idea.

JOHN: Garrus?! We thought you died planetside!

GARRUS: It'll take a lot more than a Reaper invasion destroying the planet to kill Garrus Vakarian.

JANE: I suppose you want to join in?

GARRUS: Of course. Your mission wouldn't be complete without my clever one liners.

JANE: Too bad. I can't take you. I have Johnny, Liara, & James here.

GARRUS: Wait for it.

JANE: Wait for wh—

JOKER: _(Over Radio)_ Commander! Something is going wrong. EDI is flipping systems off and on and things are sparking, and it's not good!

LIARA: I'll go check on that then! _(Runs for shuttle)_

JANE: Oh. Fine then. Pleasure to have you Garrus.

GARRUS: The pleasure is all mined.

JOHN: Mine. Treasure is mined, pleasure is mine.

GARRUS: What he said.

GENERAL CORINTHUS: Vakarian! Sir, I didn't see you arrive! _(Mutters)_ Have to check out that early warning system again.

GARRUS: At ease, General. I'll be joining the Shepards in their search for THE Primarch.

GENERAL CORINTHUS:_ (Sighing in relief)_ Is that so? Do you mind lending my troops a hand at the airfield? A harvester is coming in.

JAMES: A harvester! We'd better get over there. _(pauses) _How did we know what that was?

JANE: Retcon. You get used to it.

_(They hussle into the fray and start eliminating husks. This includes strange Turian ones that shoot back and have shields. After a minute or two, James says something.)_

JAMES: _(Muted by gunfire)_

JANE: What?

JAMES: Where are the Turians?

JOHN: In front of us, idiot, keep shooting!

JAMES: No, I mean the ones on our side!

GARRUS: I have 13 so far, how many have you shot? _(Fires another round)_ 14!

JAMES: No, the army! We're out here doing all the work!

JANE: Hey, he's got a point!

JOHN: Those bastards!

GENERAL CORINTHUS: _(Over Radio)_ Ok, boys, breaks over. They caught on. _(Groaning and curses are heard on the radio)_

_(They mop up the remainders of the wave, and stomp back towards GENERAL CORINTHUS. Before they get to his shelter, the North barricade has a direct hit, and JOHN rushes in to man the big gun before anyone can tell him no.)_

JOHN: Ha ha ha, eat plasma, cluckers!

JAMES: Cluckers?

JANE: This fanfic is rated T for teen, after all.

GARRUS: Hey, what's that?

_(Before anyone can get a look at the thing, a large shape charges headfirst into the barrier, knocking JOHN into the occupied zone. JAMES & JANE jump in after while GARRUS provides covering fire. It is quickly dead.)_

GENERAL CORINTHUS: _(Over the radio) _There you are. New Primarch is Adrien Victus.

JANE: Adrien, Adrien… Where have I heard that name?

JAMES: It's a jungle out there, where do we find him?

GARRUS: I know where he is. I was fighting with him this morning. Well, if you can call it fighting. He prefers fighting smart to fighting hard. Apparently Reapers have not figured out land mines yet.

JANE: Well then lead the way!

_(They march along a very convenient path that doesn't branch off in the slightest. JANE tunes out while JAMES & JOHN offer some exposition on the races of Mass Effect for the noob players. There is an awkward silence when GARRUS points out his hometown. Fortunately the roar of battle is nearby, and they join in to eliminate a cluster from a camp on the edge of a cliff. A dignified looking Turian carefully approaches them and greets Garrus)_

TURIAN: Where the hell have you been?

GARRUS: Sir, I believe your exact words were "get that thing the hell off my men."

TURIAN: And who are these humans? Does the Primarch know they're here?

JANE: _(Smirking)_ He does now. General Adrien Victus, I presume?

GENERAL VICTUS: Yeah, who's asking?

JANE: Commanders Shepard and Shepard. Of the Normandy. For the Council.

GENERAL VICTUS: So? Why'd you say the Primarch already knew? You just showed up on my field of battle with no warning. You're lucky you didn't hit the land mines.

JOHN: Jane would say it nicely, but I want to go get some lunch, so I'll tell you quick. You're the new primo-whatever. We're taking you with us so we can use your guys to take back earth.

GENERAL VICTUS: Nonsense. They would have informed me over the radio _(spies a smoldering ruin in the corner) _Oh.

GARRUS: They're telling the truth.

_(This takes a moment to sink in, and GENERAL VICTUS walks away from them for a minute.)_

JAMES: What the hell is a Primarch anyway?

JANE: I forget. It's in the codex.

JOHN: King of the hill. Top dog. The big wahooni.

JAMES: I got that much.

_(GENERAL VICTUS turns back to them and glares testily)_

GENERAL VICTUS: There's no way out of this? I hate diplomats.

JANE: Plot-clad armor, so to speak. A parallel to our own duties away from the fight on Earth. And so do we.

JOHN: Jane, tell him what you did to Udina!

JANE: Not now. Maybe when he gets on our shuttle and we get out of here.

GENERAL VICTUS: Councilor Udina? The representative of all humanity's worst qualities Udina? You might be worth listening to after all. Let me go and say goodbye to my men.

JANE: Take all the time you need.

JOHN: Until lunch is served.

GENERAL VICTUS: I'll keep it in mind.

_(GENERAL VICTUS walks over to his men and with various gestures, demonstrates his opinion of this new job. It ends with a shrug. Meanwhile GARRUS turns to the twins)_

GARRUS: You know, without him down here, there's a good chance we lose this moon.

JOHN: Without him up there, there's a good chance I don't get any lunch.

_(In the distance, they see an attacking Reaper. GARRUS sighs)_

GARRUS: And they want my advice on how to stop that?

JOHN: Duh! Just shoot it until it stops moving!

GARRUS: That's that I said. They thought I was a genius and promoted me. You have to get me out of here, guys!

_(Before either of them can come up with a logical excuse, PRIMARCH VICTUS returns and squares his shoulders)_

PRIMARCH VICTUS: I'd like to help you, Shepards, I would. But not while my world is burning.

JAMES: Um… isn't that why we're here? Summit to join forces?

JANE: It means he wants us to pull a rabbit out of our hats and fix all his problems.

JOHN: But I'm not wearing a hat!

PRIMARCH VICTUS: Nothing so ridiculous as that. I just want you to get the Krogan to drop their blood feud with our race and come and risk their lives to save our planet.

_(JANE'S sanity briefly gives up at this point and does not kick back in until she's standing in front of the quantum communicator talking to CURLY the Asari councilor)_

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: WAR ROOM: COMMUNICATOR: AFTERNOON**

CURLY: And that's why, Commander, we will not be at your summit.

JANE: Wait, what? What'd I say? More importantly, what did John say?

CURLY: Don't think you're getting out of it that easy, Shepard. You can't have the Krogan come to your summit with the Turians and the Salarians and think we're going to come along for the snacks! We're not risking prominent officers on what could be the worst treaty table this side of the sale of Manhattan. Good bye and good luck, Commander.

JANE: Ooook. _(Comprehension dawns)_ Damn cutscenes. Joker, get me Admiral Bishopfromaliens!

JOKER: Roger that. When you get done, you may need to check on…

JANE: Later, Joker _(To appearing hologram)_ What the hell have you gotten me into?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: I beg your pardon?

JANE: Talk to the Council, you said, win them over, you said. I can't do that, so you say go over their heads. I do, and now I'm trying to broker a peace treaty between the Salarians, the Turians, AND the Krogan? By the way, the only species everyone mysteriously likes just walked out because it's too risky.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Hm. They'll regret that.

JANE: That's all you have to say? An ominous "They'll regret that"?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Um… I can't say anymore without revealing pivotal plot points.

JANE: You know what? Stuff it. Stuff it and stuff you. I'm going to take a nap.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Does this mean the conference is off? Because they're planning to use your ship!

_(JANE hangs up. She tramps towards the elevator. Before she can hit the button, all the lights go out.)_

JANE: _(Testily) _Joker. Why are the lights out?

JOKER: _(Panicky)_ Commander, it's EDI, she's offline! And there's a fire alert down in the AI core!

JANE: Joker. Hit the backup systems. It's probably just John trying to sneak in a cigar. After what I do to him this time, he'll never smoke again.

_(JOKER does as he's told, and JANE takes the elevator down to the crew quarters. She walks to the AI core and orders the soldiers there to open it up. As they do, the sprinklers go off and a shroud of steam blocks their view.)_

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CREW DECK: AI CORE: CLOBBERIN' TIME**

JANE: John, I know you're in there! Come on out or I'm going dump your stash!

JOHN: _(From behind her, she whirls to face him)_ What's going on? Come out of where? You can't dump my … _(He trails off, his eyes on something behind JANE)_

_(A very shiny, very naked metal woman strides out of the steam dramatically)_

EDI: Something you need, Shepard?

JANE: Someone kill me now…


	5. Chapter 5: Easily Sidetracked

**Mock Effect 3**

**Chapter 5: Easily Sidetracked**

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CREW DECK: AI CORE: END OF A VERY LONG DAY**

_(JANE SHEPARD has just discovered a very shiny very naked female robot in the AI CORE. EDI seems to have taken over the defunct body of the Cerberus agent they recovered from Mars and is presently enjoying the attention as Jane shakes her head and JOHN SHEPARD and several crewmen stand still with their jaws open. Jane finally recovers and hits the button to close the door.)_

JOHN: _(Muffled)_ Hey! No fair!

JANE: Send Traynor & Liara here, on the double!

_(Footsteps and muttered curses indicate JOHN is doing as she asked)_

JANE: So what were you thinking?

EDI: That it would be a bad idea for you to have a sabotaging robot in the voids of space.

JANE: It was dormant in here. All I asked you to do was scan it!

EDI: When I did, it started a backup system and proceeded to try to attack the ship. I stopped it.

JANE: Thank you, I think. But why?

EDI: Why not? And now I can come with you on missions!

_(JANE struggles for a good reason why they shouldn't take an invulnerable robot with pinpoint accuracy along on missions that involve multiple assailants and cannot find one. Fortunately at this moment the ship's other ladies arrive)_

TRAYNOR: What's the emergency? Your brother was very excited.

LIARA: I'll have you know I was on the line with a very important agent and… _(With interest) _oh my. What are you?

EDI: I'm EDI. I've co-opted this platform for ambulatory use. The Commander does not seem to approve.

JANE: I didn't say that! I just … You have to get some clothes, that's all.

EDI: Why? Your brother and the crew members seemed to accept me quickly enough. I'm sure Joker won't mind.

TRAYNOR: _(Snorts)_ Would a hobbit mind a third breakfast? Tell you what, I have a couple things. There's this red dress that would suit you perfectly…

JANE: Dresses are out, she wants to come with us on missions.

LIARA: I think Miranda Lawson left a couple of her catsuits in my room. I could go grab one of you like.

JANE: Better that than… this.

_(10 minutes later, EDI is trying on the third suit.)_

EDI: You're sure this is necessary? It seems to constrain movement.

JANE: Quite sure.

EDI: It's a bit tight in front. What was it Specialist Traynor called it? Chameleon-foot?

JANE: Camel… nevermind. It'll have to do for now. Maybe we can find a tailor who's used to robots who'll let it out on the Citadel.

TRAYNOR: I should go check on the CIC. If I know the boys, they'll be setting up a pool on Joker's reaction, and I want in before bets are closed.

_(TRAYNOR rushes off, with EDI testing out her new functions around the crew area. LIARA stands with JANE for a moment)_

LIARA: I'm sure you're curious as to how I got here from the Shadow Broker's ship on Hagalaz.

JANE: Not really. I didn't buy that DLC.

LIARA: But everybody said it was the best one!

JANE: Didn't buy it. So when will my super weapon be ready?

LIARA: You mean the MacGuffin?

JANE: An astonishingly appropriate name. Yes, when can I use it to shoot the snot out of the Reapers?

LIARA: We're still a little short on supplies, but as soon as progress is made, either I or the Admiral will let you know. Shepard… _(Pauses)_

JANE: Yes?

LIARA: I'll always remember that tour on the Normandy, but let's be honest… it's been more than 6 months… Should we really continue where we left off?

JANE: Continue what? _(Comprehension dawns, and she starts laughing hard)_ HAhahahahaha! Continue? You and Me? HAhahahahaha! _(Tones it down, wiping a few tears of laughter away) _Sister, I'm straight. I wouldn't want that drama if it was canon.

LIARA: So no objections if I move on?

JANE: None at all. Only… stay away from Johnny. That boy ain't right in the head on the best of days, and this new sexbot will not help things.

LIARA: Agreed. That shuttle pilot was hot, I'm going to … Where are you going?

JANE: I'm going to see if Garrus has got the main battery calibrated enough.

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CREW DECK: CALIBRATION CENTRAL**

_(GARRUS is around the corner talking into his communicator while he fiddles with the inside of the big gun)_

GARRUS: Yes, of course, Primarch. You have my full permission for the counter-attack.

JANE: Got a minute, Garrus?

GARRUS: Primarch, I'm going to put you on hold, but you can proceed with your plans until I come back, ok? _(To JANE)_ That was something you never had to deal with at C-Sec.

JANE: _(Smirks)_ What, lines on hold?

GARRUS: No, respect. Everybody's saluting me and asking my opinion… and doing what I say. It's kind of creepy, actually.

JANE: Scares the skittles out of me.

GARRUS: Look at us… I miss the old days. Rogue Spectre and C-sec agent running and running outside the lines, making it up as we went along…

JANE: Hey! I knew exactly what I was doing.

GARRUS: The entire time?

JANE: OK, maybe on Virmire I might have lost it a little. But with the idiots I had to work with, I was entitled.

GARRUS: True enough. I bet you're wondering why I'm so prominent in Turian society these days.

JANE: Not really, but I bet you're gonna tell me anyway.

GARRUS: That's more like it. The sarcasm at C-Sec was legendary. You remember my father?

JANE: Does he have trouble breathing and like to choke people?

GARRUS: Nothing that bad. You probably weren't listening when I explained in the first game that we were on the outs because of my go-getter attitude on the force. I went and I explained to him why the Reapers were a threat and he believed me!

JANE: Does he not normally believe you?

GARRUS: Well, when I was a kid, our house caught on hire. I tried to tell him, but he said it was probably only a faulty toaster. Accused me of putting marmalade in it! Anyway, so he believed me and took it to the old Primarch. He didn't believe us, but my father had contributed a lot to his campaign, so he gave me a couple of guys who were getting too ambitious and an old fart who liked his coffee and comedic homilies. I named us the Magnum 5-O force and got us all Hawaiian shirts to wear.

JANE: Did it do any good?

GARRUS: Well I came up with some great catchphrases. Book 'em Danno! One of the guys was named Danno…

JANE: Aside from that?

GARRUS: Oh, we did whatever we could. Sometimes even what we couldn't. Strengthened communications, created more reserves. Back budget stuff. Probably saved a lot of lives for the thirty seconds before the Reapers caught up to them.

JANE: It was certainly worth a try. What happened to your school?

GARRUS: My Academy of Badassery? It was doing extremely well but I had to close it down so I could focus on the task force. I miss teaching though. "Upholstery 151" was just getting started. We had flame retardants and everything. Oh well. What did you come to talk to me about?

JANE: Came to see what you thought of Primarch Victus.

GARRUS: Good man. Smart, plays a bit loose with strategy. It must be killing Palaven Command that he was next up.

JANE: Just wait until they see his next bright idea. Krogan/Salarian/Turian/Human army. Ha! You see the devil, tell him I'm sorry about the cold snap.

GARRUS: You'll be seeing him before I do, Shepherd _(GARRUS grins)_ Save me a seat at the bar!

JANE: _(Headed to the elevator)_ I heard James has set up a gym downstairs. I think I'm going to go find a punching bag to put in my room. I'm going to need it!

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: SHUTTLE DECK: JAMES' JIVIN' GYMNASIUM**

_(JAMES is practicing his pull ups. He spies JANE)_

JAMES: Hey Shepard. We sure had fun rescuing that Primarch, huh?

JANE: Yeah. Fun. You got a punching bag I could…?

JAMES: You sure you don't want to stay for the show?

JANE: Show of what?

JAMES: My muscles! I'm super hot. And have a surprisingly well written character arc. But right now we have to get through the ogling segment.

JANE: I see.

JAMES: _(Points and laughs) _ HA! And that's all you can do, because I'm not romanceable!

JANE: _(Rolls her eyes) _My loss, I guess. Listen, about that punching bag?

JAMES: One minute. First I have to kick Loco's ass on the wrestling floor.

JANE: Loco?

JAMES: Your brother. It's my nickname for him. You're Lola, by the way.

JANE: That so? And why would that be?

JAMES: Because of totally non-stalkerish relationship I had with my boyhood best friend's ol….._ (At JANE's glare, he trails off)_ So that's 'Commander' then?

JANE: _(Smiling sweetly)_ 'Commander' will be just fine.

JAMES: You know, nicknames are cool. They let you make friends with people without having to bother to memorize their names!

JOHN: _(Coming from around corner)_ Come on, loserface.

JAMES: See, we're bros so his nickname for me is 'loserface'!

JANE: He calls everybody loserface.

JOHN: It's true, loserface.

_(Disappointed, JAMES walks to the mat and attempts to spar with JOHN. John takes the first opportunity to punch him in the nose)_

JAMES: Hey! Dat my mose! Mo fair!

JOHN: I never fight fair. You get the cockiest bad guys that way.

JAMES: Ha! You remind me of my old CO.

JOHN: I don't care. _(Takes opportunity of JAMES playful banter to ram an elbow into his gut)_

JAMES: _(Wheezing)_ He died, you know.

JOHN: I said, I don't care. _(JAMES manages to whack him on the side of the head)_

JAMES: Yeah… he died doing the paragon choice while I survived being a renegade. I feel so guilty.

JOHN: Guilt is for the weak! Or that's what the sensei always said. It was either that or "Gelt is for the meek" He was Jewish, I think. _(His reminiscence is cut short by JAMES barely missing his chin with a roundhouse kick)_

JAMES: And what's worse is that I have nothing to show for it because the information I sacrificed them for was about the Collectors, which you made a moot point when you blew up their space station!

_(JAMES pauses for a moment and JOHN demonstrates just how unfair life can be with a solid kick to James' …. Well you get the idea.)_

JOHN: Ha! I win! What are you talking about again? _(JAMES is in no condition to answer) _Ok then. See you later!

JANE: I'll go get you some ice. _(Walking after JOHN)_ You could have at least have said "no holds barred"!

**INT:NORMANDY 2.0: CIC DECK: TRAYNOR'S TABLE**

_(SAMANTHA TRAYNOR is working at her computer when JANE steps up behind her)_

JANE: Let me guess, I have messages at my private terminal…

TRAYNOR: Why should I care? Can't you see I'm working on something?

JANE: You? Working on something? Your predecessor spent the days making funny faces at herself.

TRAYNOR: I'm tracking a signal to its source. Grissom Academy sent one out saying it needs help, but there's another that says it's already received it. What do you need?

JANE: I'm impressed. Keep up the good work, though I won't be able to do that mission until I get done with this conference. Oh, and send some Ice downstairs to James, will you?

TRAYNOR: I'll do that shortly, Shepard.

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC: CLEVER CLOWN'S COCKPIT**

_(JANE walks into the cockpit where an ecstatic JOKER turns around to grin at her)_

JOKER: Commander, am I allowed to fly the ship in loop-de-loops?

JANE: No. I get dizzy enough with Cortez. You didn't know about this?

JOKER: If I did, would there be any chance whatsoever of my keeping it a secret? _(Turns back to stare at EDI and sighs)_

JANE: So how is the new body working out, EDI?

EDI: It's a bit top heavy _(JOKER coughs)_ but I'm getting used to it. Are you absolutely certain I need this material in addition to my metal shell? _(She pinches the catsuit on her arm disdainfully. JOKER's eyes bulge out and he has a coughing fit)_ Jeff, are you ok? You've been coughing non-stop since I was installed in this platform!

JANE: Maybe we need to go over here. _(Guides EDI to a corner a little bit beyond the range of easy listening)_

EDI: Certainly. I wanted to ask you something anyway.

JANE: Ok. What?

EDI: Do you think your crew should be allowed to disobey orders on moral grounds?

JANE: What?

EDI: _(Patiently)_ Do you think…

JANE: I heard you. That was a rhetorical 'what?'. I mean… I thought you'd ask me about make up or something. Didn't you ask Joker this?

EDI: I am made up of titanium & adamantium. Why would I ask you that? I asked Jeff, and he deflected it with humor. Come to think of it, he does that with all my questions.

JANE: Really now?

EDI: Indeed. Do you have an answer for my question?

JANE: This is a tricky one. If I say yes, I risk you "thinking for yourself" in a moment that will get me killed. If I say no, I risk telling an AI not to come up with creative solutions, effectively creating the first problem.

EDI: Try operating from a moralistic perspective. You play as a Paragon, yes?

JANE: Fair enough. Think on your own, EDI. But get me killed and we are going to have words.

EDI: Commander, how…?

_(JANE cuts EDI off by walking away confidently. EDI stands confused for a moment, shrugs, then goes back to her seat in the cockpit. Jane walks back to the war room, where PRIMARCH VICTUS is looking worried)_

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC DECK: WAR ROOM REST AREA (STILL NO CHAIRS)**

PRIMARCH VICTUS: What's the delay? The representatives should have been here by now.

JANE: They'll get here soon, I'm sure. How are things on Palaven?

PRIMARCH VICTUS: About like they are on Earth. You're sure we're at the rendezvous point?

JANE: Rendezvous point? _(Eyes widen)_ Joker! We're going to be late!


	6. Chapter 6: West Of Eden

**Mock Effect 3**

**Chapter 6: West Of Eden**

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC DECK: BY THE ELEVATOR: ONLY A LITTLE LATE**

_(JANE & JOHN Shepard are standing at the elevator doors, awaiting the arrival of the Krogan & Salarian delegates to the war summit. Jane is in full dress uniform. John is in a hoodie and jeans. Seeing his wearing pants as an improvement, Jane lets this go)_

JANE: And I thought we were late… Where are these people?

JOHN: Told you I didn't need to get dressed.

TRAYNOR: Shepard, why are you out here? The summit is already getting started!

JANE: But… this is the only elevator… And we've been standing in front of it since their shuttles landed!

TRAYNOR: No time to answer questions now, get to the meeting!

_(Dutifully they walk over to the summit room. As with all conference tables since Game 1, no chairs are around and things are already getting heated)_

SALARIAN DALATRASS: The Krogan is in no position to make demands!

KROGAN: This Krogan has a name: Urdnot Wrex. And he's an award winning director, noted for his 3 sequential "Worst Picture" awards! Besides, I've got my own problems. Reaper scouts have arrived on Tuchanka.

JOHN: Wrex?

WREX: Shepard?

JOHN: Wrex!

WREX: Shepard!

JOHN: Wrex.

WREX: Shepard.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: Listen, I don't have time to dither terms while you two introduce yourselves. What do you want me to do?

WREX: _(A mischievous grin on his face)_ I want you to dance the Macarena.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: _(Confused) _A bit odd, but alright.

WREX: On the Presidium.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: _(Pauses then agrees) _This is all you're asking for?

WREX: In a tutu.

_(The PRIMARCH winces, then nods. WREX holds up a finger.)_

WREX: And…

PRIMARCH VICTUS: Oh come now! I am not singing!

WREX: … I want you to fix the Genophage.

_(The SALARIAN DALATRASS, who had been resentfully watching these goings on, explodes)_

SALARIAN DALATRASS: What? Absolutely out of the question! The Genophage is non-negotiable!

JANE: I'm going to have to stop you there. With millions of my people's lives on the line, everything is negotiable.

SALARIAN DALATRASS: You'd have them stab us in the back like after the Rachni wars? No good can come from curing the genophage.

WREX: Except saving the galaxy again. Nothing except that.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: The question of whether or not it would do any good is a moot point. You have my word, Wrex, that as soon as a cure is viable, we'll do whatever we can to spread it. Though you do know it will take a few years.

WREX: Not exactly true. Shepard, do you remember a whackjob named Maelon?

JOHN: Yeah. Heheh. We blew up a hospital. _(At their looks) _ No one was in it!

WREX: He was working on a cure to the genophage. And apparently he succeeded.

JANE: But his methods were barbaric, he killed off his volunteers!

WREX: Not all of them. I have a source that says some survived. _(Hits a few buttons to show a grainy video of a Salarian lab with Krogan in it)_ I want them back!

SALARIAN DALATRASS: Where did you get this? It could be a fabrication!

_(There is a pause while they all look incredulously at her)_

JOHN: Seriously? I could lie better than that at age 3.

JANE: "Where" did he get it? "Could" be a fabrication? You might as well have said you took the video yourself! Where are they!?

SALARIAN DALATRASS: _(Sputters, then relents, face in hand)_ One of our STG bases on Sur'Kesh._ (They start for the elevator, but are interrupted)_ I warn you Commander! A bully has few friends when they need them most!

JANE: I have plenty of friends. In fact, I just recruited the two toughest armies in the galaxy to my cause. You can find your own way home, can't you?

_(Leaving the DALATRASS fuming, JANE, VICTUS, JOHN, & WREX walk out of the room. John fistbumps Wrex as they head out.)_

**INT: SHUTTLE: SUR' KESH STG AIRSPACE**

_(JANE has brought GARRUS & LIARA as extra backup, and they are having a reunion of sorts)_

LIARA: While it's good to see you, Wrex, you've made me very upset lately.

WREX: Can't have that, Liara! I might be flayed by your mind! What did I do?

LIARA: Your writing for the "Busticar" show has been hideous. Who goes to war because their third favorite cousin got a splinter? Not an Asari Justicar! Do you even have any Asari involved with the show's production?

WREX: _(Defensively)_ The ratings were through the roof! And I couldn't talk anyone to sign on as a consultant after the first season.

LIARA: You really should remedy that. I could recommend some people when this is all over.

WREX: You'd do that? I might have to reconsider the parody of you in this year's musical episode.

GARRUS: _(Before Liara can interrogate him) _So how's the iron throne working out for you, Wrex?

WREX: Pretty well. After the Blasto movies finish up, I might trade it in for a giant bean bag. Less drama and a hell of a lot more comfortable.

JOHN: How are those doing, by the way? You raking in the credits?

WREX: Lighting up the Citadel! Check out the billboard on the presidium. If you have time..

_(They're cut off by CORTEZ, who has just finished a radio transmission)_

CORTEZ: They say we can't land! No clearance!

WREX: No clearance? I'll show them no clearance! They're not stopping this Krogan!

_(Before anyone can react, WREX opens the exit door and he and JOHN jump down, ready to blow the bloody doors off. CORTEZ lands the shuttle and JANE, LIARA, & GARRUS get out a bit more calmly. They are surprised to see John and Wrex still on the balcony, standing very still. JANE approaches)_

JANE: Really, guys, was that necessary? There was no—

_(JOHN hisses, and JANE figures out why he stopped reaching for his shotgun. He and Wrex are covered in sniper laser pointers. A SALARIAN rushes up)_

SALARIAN: Hold your fire! They're here on the orders of the Dalatrass! Commander, I hope we can avoid any insanity, but my men are trigger happy and slightly off balance. Would you mind leaving these two gentlemen up here with a few of my men whilst we arrange the transfer?

JANE: Who're you? _(To WREX & JOHN)_ Be good boys. I'll get them out, Wrex.

SALARIAN: I'm Padok Wiiks, professional understudy.

JANE: Understudy?

PADOK WIIKS: Had one of the important characters we use in this arc been killed off due to poor decisions in the previous games, then I am prepared to fill their role!

JANE: Right, and in this arc?

PADOK WIIKS: I show you to the elevator.

JANE: Right. Thanks.

**INT: SUR'KESH STG BASE: ONE BAD RENDERING OF 'GIRL FROM IPANEMA' LATER**

JANE: I really wish that song would die out.

LIARA: I think it's cute. A relic from the past.

GARRUS: I wonder who did the trumpet solo. They never had muzak at C-sec.

_(The artificial lighting in the lab makes it very hard to see. They are squinting into the flickering dust when a familiar patter is heard)_

VOICE: I am the very model of a scientist Salarian… I've studied species Turian, Asari, & Batarian…

JANE: Mordin!

MORDIN: Here Commander. No need to shout. Expected you sooner.

JANE: What are you doing here?

LIARA: I had no idea you were back with STG.

MORDIN: Special consultant. Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong. _(Before they can respond, he lowers head and speaks in conspiratorial whisper) _Like catchphrase? Thought it up myself. Will make character more amusing and inspirational.

GARRUS: It's ok, as catchphrases go. You should take the publicity class at my academy. Slogans for all ages!

MORDIN: _(Still whispering)_ Wrex here? Sent video. Assisted female krogan.

JANE: He's here. We're here to arrange a transfer. Are all of them ready to go?

MORDIN: No. Only one recovered from condition found on Tuchanka. Last hope for Krogan. Can synthesize cure from her tissue. Politeness encouraged. Krogan slow to trust.

JANE: Really. I wonder why?

FEMALE KROGAN: Are you here to kill me?

JANE: No. I'm here to help you. Are you well?

FEMALE KROGAN: As well as can be expected for someone that's been trapped in a glass pod for months, barely surviving on what these lab varren call food. It all depends on your perspective. Compared to my clanmates I'm doing very well indeed.

JANE: I'll see what we can do about getting you some real Krogan food. Wrex should be able to…

_(Orange strobe lights and alarm sounds suddenly start going off.)_

MORDIN: Problematic. Need to get her out of here, Shepard.

_(WREX & JOHN appear via video chat on JANE's omni-tool)_

WREX: Shepard! Cerberus is attacking! You have to get the females out of there now!

JANE: Wrex, there's only one survivor. They were very sick and the Salarians did all they could.

WREX: Get her out of there then! We'll distract them. To the shuttle!

JOHN: W00t! Dogfight!

_(Her omni tool closes. MORDIN enters the pod and starts it moving. JANE, LIARA & GARRUS run up the nearest ladder. They run around a corner to catch up with the pod, only to see Cerberus has had the same idea. A squad of men are taking up positions to shoot it.)_

JANE: Hey fellas, catch this!

_(She heaves a small object into their midst. They assume it's a grenade and run for cover, but it pops up from the grounds and proceeds to use a flamethrower to burn any troops that get close to the pod. With a little covering fire, the pod safely reaches the next level)_

LIARA: Impressive!

GARRUS: Wow…

JANE: I know I know, you never had those at C-sec.

GARRUS: Actually, we had quite a few of them. It was great. Then someone figured out how to hack them. That was a rough day.

_(They find a door with stairs to the next level. As they emerge, their shuttle sweeps by with a Cerberus fighter on its tail. Extremely loud whooping can be heard.)_

JANE: At least he's having fun.

LIARA: I wonder what Cortez is doing right now.

GARRUS: Aside from being very dizzy?

_(They are so focused on the aerosports that they almost walk into a Cerberus trap, complete with turrets and engineers to repair them. Before they can get close though, an escaped creature that looks like mephisto with a beer belly runs by, trampling the entire operation. LIARA shudders)_

JANE: What was that?

LIARA: A Yahg. Very unpleasant creature. I'd tell you more about it, but you would have had to buy that DLC from Mass Effect 2.

GARRUS: I'm just glad it went that way.

_(After seeing the pod clear its last checkpoint, they climb the ladder up to the original landing area. It's swarming with Cerberus troops. LIARA sends out singularities to lift the troopers in the air, and GARRUS and JANE put them back down again.)_

LIARA: That was easy.

GARRUS: Agreed.

JANE: Wait for it…

_(Sure enough, something big is falling towards them from space. The wind whistles through the machine as it takes aim at the balcony JANE is standing on. At the last moment she leaps back and the mech crashes hard onto the floor… and right through down three more levels. They peer over the edge of the hole)_

GARRUS: Ouch. _(Remembers himself and shouts down the hole)_ Looks like someone needs to go on a diet!

LIARA: Nonsense, he just miscalculated his landing speed. Do you see that smoke?

JANE: Let's get out of here before more of them land.

_(While they've been looking at the hole, MORDIN has got the pod to the exit station, and JOHN, WREX, and a very woozy CORTEZ are exiting the landed shuttle.)_

JOHN: That was awesome! I can't wait to try that myself one time!

CORTEZ: _(Into omni-tool)_ Note to self: Attach biometrics and breathalyzer to ignition circuits. _(Blinks dazedly)_ Soon!

WREX: Is she alright? Salarian, if you've hurt her!

MORDIN: Patient fine. She can exit the pod now.

_(WREX extends his hand to the female krogan to help her down. She ignores him and walks over to JANE)_

FEMALE KROGAN: My thanks. I'll do what I can to help you and Wrex with your war. Speaking of which…

_(A couple foolhardy Cerberus troopers pop out from behind some lawn ornaments the Salarians tastefully provided. The FEMALE KROGAN grabs WREX's shotgun and before any of the men can react, JANE, LIARA and the Female Krogan have wiped out the new attack. She smirks, tosses Wrex back his gun)_

FEMALE KROGAN: And that, gentlemen, is how it's done. Ladies? _(They stride into the shuttle, leaving the men with their jaws hanging)_


	7. Chapter 7: Escape From Hogwarts

**Mock Effect 3**

**Chapter 7: Escape from Hogwarts**

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CREW DECK: MED BAY**

_(MORDIN is informing JANE & WREX on the condition of the female krogan, nicknamed EVE)_

MORDIN: Will need oversight and care. _(Takes tube from EVE)_ Thank you.

WREX: What's that? Are you ok?

MORDIN: Blood sample. She's fine. She has been in MY care for the last few weeks.

WREX: Forgive me if I don't take the word of the Salarian doctor who re-upped the genophage!

MORDIN: Forgive me if I place my scientific opinion over that of person who thinks head-butting is an honored tradition!

EVE: Enough! Play nice, boys, or I'll move to an Asari monastery and send you your samples by snail mail.

_(They back down, but both glare at each other for a minute until MORDIN loses interest. JANE tries to break the ice.)_

JANE: We'll go on up to the conference room. We need to plan our next move.

WREX: I'll be watching you, Salarian.

MORDIN: Good. Will make it easier to obtain your tissue sample. Now where did I put that needle?

WREX: Can't do it now! Got to get to this meeting!

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC DECK: CHAIRLESS CONFERENCE ROOM**

_(JOHN, TRAYNOR, & PRIMARCH VICTUS are waiting in the conference room)_

PRIMARCH VICTUS: While we wait for this cure, I have an urgent mission that needs your attention, Shepard.

WREX: So do I. And mine is way more important.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: No it isn't! Mine is integral to the success of our entire set of goals!

WREX: And mine makes those goals possible! I'd tell you about it but you're a Turian.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: I cannot inform you of the nature of mine because it contains sensitive Turian intelligence!

WREX: Turian intelligence?! HA!

JANE: Shut up, both of you. Traynor here has a mission also. And I'm pretty sure that's the route we're going to take.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: What could be more important than … the issue… which I will discuss with you later…?

WREX: Or mine? Which I can't tell you about because it would damage innocent ears!

TRAYNOR: It's saving schoolkids.

_(They subside, JOHN pats WREX on the back)_

JOHN: I tried to talk her out of it, man, but you know how she gets when she can save kids…

WREX: Yeah. Didn't she punch you out that one time?

JOHN: I don't want to talk about that.

JOKER: _(Over the intercom)_ Commander, need you up here.

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CIC DECK: COCKPIT**

_(JANE & JOHN have responded to JOKER's message. A look out the windows pretty quickly identifies the problem)_

JANE: A Cerberus cruiser.

JOHN: One of those ships that drives real slow and stops at every planet to let you buy drinks with umbrellas? So?

JANE: More like a portable fighter bay that packs a mean punch of its own. Ideas?

RADIO: Attention SSV Normandy! We are under attack! Help!

JANE: This is Commander Shepard. Who is this?

RADIO: Kahlee! Get us out of here, quick!

JOHN: I don't know any Kahlee. Well, there was that mechanic back on Persephone…

KAHLEE: You would if you read the books! Admiral Anderson & I are… [static]… all good bookshops!

JANE: She knows him all right. We're on our way. Joker, can you distract that cruiser while we land in the shuttle?

JOKER: Can I! Ha! You're asking me if, I, the greatest frigate pilot in the entire galaxy can outmaneuver a simple cruiser? HA!

_(Taking solace in this expression of confidence, they head for the elevator, but not before hearing one last thing)_

JOKER: I can, right?

EDI: It couldn't go worse than the last few times.

JOKER: Point taken.

_(JANE & JOHN gear up and invite JAMES & GARRUS to join them. The shuttle surreptitiously exits the NORMANDY as it approaches the station and its guests. The Normandy starts flying a complicated maneuver. The Cerberus ships watch, not knowing whether to attack or ignore the strange gambit. Finally, the Normandy stops, and somehow ignites its previous trail. Spelled out in space are the words "TIM SUCKS!" It does not take long for there to be window the shuttle can fly through.)_

**INT: GRISSOM ACADEMY: STORAGE BAY # 7**

_(They are standing at the beginning of a large hallway. In front of them are some surprised Cerberus troopers trying to break down a door.)_

CERBERUS TROOPER 1: Hey, look it's Shepard! _(Waves)_

CERBERUS TROOPER 2: Stop that you idiot. We're enemies now!

CERBERUS TROOPER 1: Are you kidding? The boss spent a ton of credits bringing her back from the dead! And built her a big new ship!

CERBERUS TROOPER 2: You mean the ship that our cruiser is presently chasing all around the station?

CERBERUS TROOPER 1: But they defeated the collectors! They saved the universe!

CERBERUS TROOPER 2: The script says we shoot at them. The boss says we shoot at them. I for one am not going to another re-education seminar. I'm shooting at them.

_(At this moment the door they've been trying to break open opens and a weird blue light flies out of it. The troopers freeze in their bickering position. JANE walks closer to investigate. Inside is a woman in a bathrobe)_

BATHROBE WOMAN: Hello Commander Shepard. I am Kahlee Sanders. I need your help.

JOHN: I don't give fashion advice.

JANE: And we're all grateful. Seriously what's with the get-up?

KAHLEE: It's not like Cerberus sent us a memo saying they were going to be attacking this morning. Otherwise I would have had my dress blues on. For the look of the thing you understand.

JANE: You mentioned something about Admiral Anderson?

KAHLEE: If you read the books, I'm his girlfriend. We only met briefly in book 1, but when we met up 20 years later in book 2 we fell head over heels again. He saved this academy once, you know. Shot a guy in both kneecaps.

JOHN: He is awesome. Stayed behind to lead the fight on Earth. Bad. Ass.

KAHLEE: _(Sighs)_ He always did have a hero complex. I imagine he decided to step it up after that Cereal incident in book 3. It really shook him you know, someone eating his corn chex. You can pick any of them at up at all good …

ALL: Bookshops!

GARRUS: Um, guys, I hate to interrupt, but the gunfire I keep hearing is disturbing. Maybe we ought to get on with the mission?

KAHLEE: Oh, there's no rush. It's mostly for effect. There's only a few students here. They were working on biotic artillery barrages.

JOHN: Oooh… wait, what?

JAMES: They have biotic everything else. Why not?

JANE: It's space magic. Anything without an obvious explanation is biotic.

KAHLEE: We teach the students how to use it properly here. You know, so they don't end up like those poor bastards in Dragon Age 2.

JANE: Yes. Kids. Where are they? We need to rescue people.

KAHLEE: Orion Hall. Take the hallway down and the first left, then 3 rights, then a left, and then a right, it's easy as pie. I'll just stay here and lie low, then?

GARRUS: Let me guess, the troopers didn't come at a respectable hour, either?

KAHLEE: _(Yawning)_ Totally disrespectful…

_(They try their best to follow KAHLEE's directions, but they get unequivocally lost. JANE pauses for a moment while the others go on ahead)_

JANE: Think, Jane. Was it 3 rights then a left, or 3 lefts then a right? I need a ball of string or something. Well more than that. A reaper killing gun would be pretty handy too.

JOHN: _(From down the hall)_ Come on, slowpoke! I'm bored!

JAMES: Who the hell designed these stairs?

_(JANE turns to follow, but as she does, a door appears beside her. Curious, she opens it. Inside is a small closet with a map on the wall with a "you are here" indicator. Beside it on an end table a small pistol labeled "reaper killer – use with caution". She excitedly calls the others.)_

JANE: John! James! Garrus! Get back here! Look what I found!

JOHN: Look sis, I want to get back to the ship and practice my poker face some more. Can we wrap this up?

JANE: Look. In. Here! Everything we need!

_(She opens the door again and what she found in there originally is gone. Instead there is a deck of cards and a fifth of scotch on the table and vid screen with a bikini babe demonstrating card tricks.)_

JANE: Wait… but…

JOHN: You're sure you're ok, sis?

JANE: There was a gun. A reaper killer. Right there! And it's gone!

JOHN: Uh huh. Wait, are those marked cards? Sweet! _(He attempts to enter the room but JANE slams the door closed)_

JOHN: Oh come on now sis. It's not like we have real money to gamble! I have to practice in case Liara ever agrees to strip poker!

JANE: When I looked in there a minute ago, there was a map telling exactly where we were, and a weapon capable of killing a Reaper on the table! I need that weapon, John. Far more than some babe doing card tricks.

GARRUS: Personally, I could have used some of that scotch.

JAMES: Would definitely help this mission make sense.

JOHN: Sis, that's just crazy talk.

_(JANE opens the door again, and inside is a bookshelf full of psychological textbooks. On the end table is book entitled "I Should Go: a treatise on the insane life of Commander Shepard". JANE slams the door closed and attempts to open it again. But it refuses to budge. Instead a sign appears on the door: "Closed for Renovation")_

JANE: _(To door) _What the hell? After all I've done for this stupid galaxy, you throw this in front of me! _(Slams on the door) _Give it to me!

JOHN: Don't make me conk you over the head. James has only got so much strength.

JAMES: Why me? Why not you or Garrus?

JOHN: I can't very well charge with Jane on my shoulder, now can I? And you try aiming a sniper rifle! You major in grenades and Spanish heckling. You ought to be able to carry her if she doesn't cool down.

JANE: I'm cool. I'm very cool. I'm so cool that god had better help the bastard who tries to shoot at me next.

_(Unfortunately for them, some Cerberus agents round the corner at that moment. They are hauling a struggling teen behind them. They do not share the qualms the previous Cerberus troopers had. They open fire, only to notice their guns encased in solid ice. Wisely, they stop moving and pretend to be in shock.)_

JANE: Kid, go to Kahlee Sanders. She'll get you out of here. Where's Orion hall?

KID: Next door on your right.

JANE: You're a lifesaver. _(Heads down the way indicated)_

KID: I'm a chewy candy? _(He looks at the Cerberus troopers, who shrug)_

**INT: GRISSOM ACADEMY: ORION HALL: JUST IN TIME**

_(Inside a large central hall, a group of students are trying to fend off an attack from a giant mech)_

JANE: Jacob, throw grenades at its feet. Garrus, fire concussive shots at its viewscreen. John… Oh now where'd he go?

_(JOHN has wandered out in front of the machine. He is standing with his gun down, admiring it)_

JOHN: I have got to get me one of these!

JANE: John, get out of there!

_(Before she can dive in herself, one of the students jumps out of the group and puts a biotic shield around JOHN just as the Mech fires a rocket. She and JANE drag a protesting John back into cover. JANE gets a closer look at the student)_

JANE: Jack? What are you doing here? A school? You're not going to blow it up are you?

JACK: Worse than that, actually. I'm a teacher. Now let's go kick this machine into next week!

JOHN: Don't scratch the paint!

_(After a moment of class participation, the Mech explodes, sending shrapnel everywhere yet missing everyone. JACK has her group sit down and have lunch while she talks to JANE & co.)_

JOHN: You blew it up!

JANE: Wow. You a teacher… How'd this happen?

JACK: It's actually a natural progression for my character. Having resolved some of my issues and faced down death, it's only natural I should take a _ minute and help these _ adjust.

JOHN: Why are you pausing in the middle of your sentences? If you've forgotten your cusswords, I can help!

JACK: School's got a swear jar.

JOHN: So? I steal from the Normandy's all the time.

JACK: The writers were trying to tame down the mature rating from the second game. Less outrage, more interest. Also why I got rid the tiny leather strap bra.

JOHN: I've always wondered… how did you get it to stay put so well?

JACK: _(Seeing it's pointless)_ So, I thought you were in the lockup.

JANE: I thought you retired to cuss kids off your lawn.

JACK: It's a fu…. nny old world. Some Pollyanna got to me and offered me a job. So what's the plan?

CORTEZ: _(Over radio)_ Commander! The cruiser is turning around! How soon can you be back?

JANE: Not immediately. Bug out. We'll find another way off.

JACK: I have an idea.

JOHN: Uh oh.

JACK: They had to ride shuttles to get here, right? So let's borrow them!

JANE: Good idea. James, radio Kahlee that information.

_(They gather everyone together and plot their next course of action)_

JACK: The great hall is between us and those shuttles. We'll need to split up.

JANE: Ok, we'll distract the enemy while you scuttle along the upper levels attracting as little attention as possible.

JAMES: Say what now?

GARRUS: Couldn't they be a little distracting? Jack could put on her old costume or something.

JOHN: Pansies. Can't take the heat…

_(Anything else he might say is drowned out by 15 omni-tools all booting up at once. A precise voice comes out)_

PRECISE VOICE: Students of Grissom Academy, the station is sealed. These alliance soldiers cannot help you. All they can do is get you killed. Surrender now and you won't be harmed.

JOHN: Ha. I never surrender.

KID: And you've never been harmed?

GARRUS: Not exactly… _(He points to his face and there is general tittering)_ But I'm still here. And we'll get you out.

JANE: Let's turn those things off and move out!

_(The next room appears to have been a large dining area of some sort. The past tense is used because it has been turned into a swamp. The Cerberus troopers jetting in seem to be just as surprised as the escapees, but they aren't on the walkways and for the most part battle is avoided. As they leave the room, JOHN turns to JAMES)_

JOHN: You know what this swamp reminds me of?

JAMES: No idea. What?

JOHN: Like a joke shop that exploded. Probably let Jane in. She's got no sense of humor.

JAMES: Ha! So how many whoopee cushions have you used on her?

JOHN: Amateur! Whoopee cushions don't bother her. I think she got over them when she was six.

JAMES: Six? How on earth? I suppose she's been immune to joy buzzers since she was seven?

JOHN: _(Shrugs) _I was an industrious child. I soon learned the error of my ways. Variety is the answer…

JANE: If you two weasels don't get up here this minute, I will gladly dump you in the nearest alley!

JOHN: We should go. Last time she did that, I got stuck in a fireplace.

JAMES: What?

_(The exits on the different floors are not at the same point. Consequently, JACK takes her students to the rendezvous point another way. JOHN, JAMES, JANE, & GARRUS take the exit on the right, but make a wrong turn and end up in a huge office. There are paintings all over the walls, a gurgling fountain, and birdcage in the corner with a lot of ash in it. They briefly look around)_

JANE: Who has this big an office? Who would need it? I mean, all I have is the one cabin.

GARRUS: Perhaps he was headmaster or something. Dunkledore, if the name plate is any indication. Is that an M or an N?

JANE: How do we know it was a he?

GARRUS: The walls are covered in portraits of men. Did that one just move?

JANE: _(Undeterred)_ That's no reason to assume the authority is a man! We live in an enlightened age! Women are not bound by the glass ceiling anymore! We can do anything we want to do!

JAMES: Commander…

JANE: I'm serious, James. You may be a stereotype for jocks with your intense workout routine and corny banter, but I know I could take you in a fight.

GARRUS: Shepard…

JANE: And you, Garrus, I mean I'm not quite the sniper you are, but I can hold my own on a firing range. Why does everyone assume it has to be a guy in charge?! It's not natural selection!

JAMES: Good point. Like Loco, who's had his head in that fountain for the past 2 minutes. No sign of natural selection there.

GARRUS: You think Cerberus put gills on him?

_(JANE grabs JOHN by the back of the neck and pulls him out of the fountain. He sputters, but doesn't appear to be gasping for breath)_

JOHN: Hey! I was watching that!

JANE: You weren't watching anything, you had your head in a fountain!

JOHN: Oh. Right. A fountain. Definitely not a memory pond with all sorts of crazy stuff going on.

GARRUS: Huh?

JOHN: And it definitely did not have a memory of a crazy party from back in the day where some people in robes had too much to drink. No dancing on tables. At all.

JAMES: Boy, did I give you the right nickname. Come on, Loco, let's get to the shuttles.

_(Free of ridiculous homages, the troupe walks down another hallway. Suddenly JOHN runs into an alcove.)_

JANE: What the heck is it now?

JOHN: Come check it out, guys!

_(Around the corner is an empty robot shell like the one that attacked them earlier. Before JANE can object, JOHN has opened the lid and is starting it up. It performs its last programmed action: a rocket launch. Fortunately it was facing the opposite wall and conveniently has just blasted a hole into the rendezvous location)_

JANE: Finally! John, get out of that thing and get in the shuttle!

JOHN: Aw, come on!

JAMES: The kids are under attack!

JOHN: Woo Hoo! Time to put this baby to work!

_(With JOHN's help in the mech, a small army of Cerberus mooks find out that glass paneling and park benches do not provide effective shielding. When they are dealt with everyone heads to the shuttle, except JOHN & JANE)_

JANE: Come on, get out of there!

JOHN: We can't take it with us?

JANE: No! It's a giant robot. We wouldn't be able to fit it on board the Normandy, let alone the shuttle!

JOHN: Even if we broke it up into pieces?

JANE: No! Now let's go!

JOHN: Goodbye, old girl. I'm going to miss you.

JANE: _(Trying to be kind)_ Who knows, maybe they'll write one into the DLC…

_(They are almost to the shuttle when JACK steps out in a panic)_

JACK: Rodriguez isn't here!

JANE: Did we leave her behind?

JOHN: I'll go find her!

_(He heads towards the Mech, but before he can get in, Rodriguez runs around the corner, hotly pursued by troopers. She's grazed by a shot but manages to hide behind an opportune park bench.)_

JANE: Oh thank god.

JACK: She's alive.

JOHN: Damn it.

JANE: Nothing for it then. We'll break this glass and get her out.

JOHN: If only someone had let me stay in the giant mech with a built in rocket launcher…

JACK: We don't have enough time for this!

_(She summons her biotics and gives off a massive pulse that shatters the glass and kills the troopers but doesn't damage her, Rodriguez, or the shuttle. In the pause following, they all get aboard. JANE radios ahead)_

**INT: CERBERUS SHUTTLE: TIME TO WEAR MORE DEODORANT**

JANE: Joker is this channel secure?

JOKER: Yeah, it's blocked from any interference. Hold on, I have a shuttle leaving the station. Let me just get the guns targeted…

JANE: Stop! That's us! Jack and her students and the rest of us are on a hijacked Cerberus shuttle!

JOKER: Did you say hi first?

JANE: What?

JOKER: To Jack! Ala "Hi, jack, hijack that shuttle?"

JANE: We don't have time for this! What happened to that cruiser?

JOKER: Oh, we're fine on that score. Once we pulled them away, EDI hacked their network and started playing polka music through the speaker system. They tried to escape and come back here, but EDI turned up the volume and they jumped in escape pods. Illusive Man will fetch them eventually, probably.

JANE: Good work, I think.

JOKER: Thanks, Shepard. Hey, Jack, did you tell those kids about what happened to the last school you went to?


	8. Chapter 8: The Javik Jive

**Mock Effect 3**

**Chapter 8: The Javik Jive**

_This chapter is only available to customers who purchased the __Mock Effect 3: Super Special Bonus Version__. If you did not pay 1400 Johnstonware points (or $20 additional dollars prior to release) for this experience, please do the honorable thing and return it to your nearest fan fiction retailer. And we want the robot dog back too._

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CAPTAIN'S CABIN: RISE & SHINE TIME**

_(JANE SHEPARD_ _is at the bridge and checking her messages.)_

JANE: Number 1, spam. Number 2, notification that fan favorite has been written out of the story entirely. Number 3… what the? Traynor, why does this e-mail say "available at the SPECTRE office"?

TRAYNOR: You can't read it here. It's only available on the main computer at the Spectre office.

JANE: Why? That makes no sense! They want me to take a pit stop from saving the galaxy to see if I got any urgent messages?

TRAYNOR: Privacy concerns! You wouldn't want Council secrets to hit the extranet!

JANE: The extranet would never believe it. Can you fix it?

TRAYNOR: Commander, wouldn't that be a breach in protocol?

JANE: I'm flying around in a ship built by terrorists with an unshackled AI that has recently acquired a mobile platform, and most of my friends are ridiculously skilled mercenaries. I think a leak to TMZ is the least they have to worry about.

TRAYNOR: There. Try now.

JANE: The quarians are pulling back. Interesting. What do you bet we have to go fix that eventually?

TRAYNOR: I wouldn't know, Commander.

JANE: What the hell? They're holding Scotty and Daniels? That's absurd! Scotty is no more a terrorist than …

TRAYNOR: Than who, Commander?

JANE: I was going to say … than I am, but I realized as I was saying it that it might be a little suspect. Still, I'm saving the galaxy, they can give me my little star trek homage characters. I'll call Udina first chance I get.

TRAYNOR: No need, Commander. Just click the "release" button on the e-mail.

JANE: That's it? No due process of law, forms to sign, or hoops to jump through?

TRAYNOR: Perks of being a Spectre. By the way, Wrex & Primarch Victus wanted me to let you know they still have urgent missions for you to take on.

JANE: Neither of which have any effect on the main quest. I'll do them before I take on the genophage. I didn't realize until today that I never checked out the engineering deck.

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: ENGINEERING DECK: MID MORNING**

_(JANE goes to the port door first. It's locked. She fiddles with her omnitool controls, but the door won't budge.)_

JANE: Grunt probably broke it or something.

_(She hears a banging noise from behind her. It's the starboard storage bay door. It's also locked, but the banging is coming from within)_

JANE: Is someone in there?

ALLERS: Help! Let me out of here!

_(This time her controls work, and the door slides open to reveal a bedraggled DIANA ALLERS. She is still wearing tight fitting clothing, but it's mussed and her hair is dirty. )_

ALLERS: Thank goodness you heard me. I've been stuck in here for 3 days.

JANE: Stuck? The button to get out is right there by the door.

ALLERS: Oh. Well, I wish I'd seen that earlier! I tried to contact someone on the intercom, but all I would get was static and a whooshing noise. _(She points to the garbage disposal)_

JANE: That's a garbage chute.

ALLERS: Ohhhh….

JANE: Seriously, you were stuck in here 3 days? EDI would have notified me.

ALLERS: I may have exaggerated a little. I'm a bit blurry in the mornings.

JANE: So how long?

ALLERS: Forty-five minutes? You would not believe how much can happen on a TV program with that much time.

_(JANE sighs and says nothing as ALLERS loses concentration entirely and stares off into space. After a minute of waiting for her to refocus, Jane shakes her head and walks into the main engineering center. An old friend is in charge)_

JANE: Adams!

ADAMS: You!

JANE: Yep, I'm me. Me being your commanding officer?

ADAMS: You! Sir!

JANE: Much better. How have things been?

ADAMS: I don't know. I've been undergoing hypnosis therapy to wipe my last tour on the Normandy from my memories. I even managed to get myself committed to a sanitarium. It was so peaceful. No one bothered me. And then those dirty rotten scoundrels in white coats said I was fit for duty again and they sent me here. And I blame you!

JANE: Why?

ADAMS: Because none of it would have happened to me if you'd just kept that … that thing away from me.

JANE: Now, Adams, I couldn't force her not to look at the engines. It's her career as well.

ADAMS: _(Desperate) _You could have locked her out! You could have plugged her voicebox! Hell, you could have given us better earplugs! But no. And you threw her at us to save your own skin. I lost four good men that day.

JANE: I'm sorry. She didn't seem that bad. Just annoying.

ADAMS: And now I'm stuck here. With the ghosts of my crewmen…

JANE: Well, rest your fears. I've not talked to T—

ADAMS: Don't say her name!

JANE: T—her for a while. I'm sure you have nothing to fear. I even got you some assistants. They'll be here soon, I think.

ADAMS: And now I'm hearing voices. Oddly enough, one of them is Scottish.

_(There is another banging noise, this time from the supply closet in the engineering room. JANE opens the door, and out step SCOTTY & GABBY)_

SCOTTY: _(As implied by his name, he has a thick Scottish accent)_ I thank you Commander, it was a mite stuffy in the broom closet.

JANE: But how? I just pushed the release button a few minutes ago!

GABBY: Spectre clearance works fast. One minute we were in Alliance custody, the next we were on a fast shuttle flying here. And when we walk in to introduce ourselves, Mr. Crazy locks us up in the supply closet!

JANE: Really, Adams. You're much better than that.

ADAMS: I'm sorry, Commander. I just get so confused. Anyone who introduces themselves suddenly has … her face. I relive that last night all over again.

GABBY: Wait, is he talking about Tali? Because if she's coming, we'd rather be in our comfy prison cell.

SCOTTY: Yer dam right. Give us bread & water any day.

JANE: I've no plans to recruit Tali this time around, guys. Besides, I just received word that all the Quarians have pulled back to their fleet for some important business. She's probably out there, far away and not likely to discuss any cultural differences.

ADAMS: STOP saying the name!

JANE: Sorry, Adams. I'll try not to say it anymore. Looks like this team already has issues to bond over.

EDI: _(Over speaker)_ Commander, Liara requested that I send you to her cabin. She says she's found something.

JANE: I should go.

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: CREW DECK: LIARA'S LAIR: LUNCHTIME**

_(LIARA is working feverishly over a computer, while her holographic helper GLYPH amuses itself bouncing off the walls.)_

JANE: You wanted to see me.

LIARA: Shepard! I've found something fascinating on Eden Prime.

JANE: Oh no. Nuh uh. The last time someone found something fascinating on Eden Prime, I ended up with ancient race of space machines who like to harvest people. What's next? Daleks? No way, jose.

LIARA: Nothing like that, Shepard. Cerberus has a base there and they've made a discovery. We should go take it from them.

JANE: Interested. Tell me more.

LIARA: They attacked a colony on Eden Prime, set up camp and extracted some weapon from an underground bunker. We can't let them have it.

JANE: Hmm. It is tempting. And I don't want to go to Tuchanka any sooner than I have to. Grab your gear and meet me on the shuttle. I'll fetch John and we can bring Edi.

**EXT: EDEN PRIME: UNNAMED COLONY: EMPTY SQUARE: AFTERNOON**

_(JOHN is bored and rummaging through the apartments for loot. Occasionally they hear a whoop of glee at some credits or an expression of disgust at finding another pile of bodies. There are no colonists, and for the moment, no Cerberus. LIARA is fidgeting anxiously while EDI checks the dig for traps.)_

EDI: Shepard, I am impressed at your fortitude.

JANE: Really, Edi? Why?

EDI: It must take something like bravery to return to the planet where you nearly died from contact with a Prothean artifact, and search for a Prothean artifact.

JANE: Say what? I thought it was a Cerberus weapon we were looking for. _(Looks reproachfully at LIARA)_

LIARA: You wouldn't have come otherwise, and I'm inexplicably super hyper about finding this artifact! Can I look now, Edi? Can I?

EDI: The area is clear. This aspect of organic behavior baffles me, Shepard. Why provide an untruth when stating the facts would have been simpler?

JANE: _(Sighing)_ Because she correctly predicted that I would have immediately flown the opposite direction as fast as I could. But I can't blame her. I promised John loot that was down here. We lie to achieve a goal we find worthy. Like you playing a VI while in drydock.

EDI: I see. To prevent "our ass being padlocked."

JOHN: _(Coming out of what used to be an orderly home)_ Did Edi just say ass? Hold on, I'm coming!

JANE: That is odd language for you, Edi.

EDI: It's the phrase Jeff used when he told me to pretend. I did not understand the terminology at the time. I researched it on the extranet, and it seems to be some sort of organic mating ritual.

LIARA: That's impossible.

EDI: No, really! Though, according to the extranet, there's not much that isn't involved in organic mating rituals.

LIARA: No, not that. This artifact. It's not an artifact. It's a PROTHEAN!

JOHN: A what now?

JANE: A Prothean. The ancient race that handily left all their battle plans in easily translatable libraries for us to find? _(At JOHN's blank look) _Those big bug things on the collector ship.

JOHN: Ohhhh! Cool. Can we shoot it?

LIARA: No! Think of the knowledge he might have. He could be their foremost scientist. Or a brilliant general! Or their cleverest inventor! We must resuscitate him _(At Jane's look)_ ... or her!

JANE: But we can't do that right away, can we?

LIARA: Of course not. We'll need to take precautions and spend hours in these apartments looking for what Cerberus uncovered on how to free him.

EDI: Commander…

JANE: Oh come on, Liara. What did you learn on all those digs of yours? Cerberus could come back any second!

EDI: Shepard…

LIARA: I mean, it's been 50,000 years for us, but for him it's only been a few minutes! The culture shock alone would destroy him!

JANE: Fine. So where… What is it, Edi?

EDI: The issue is resolved Shepard, your brother has already awoken the Prothean.

LIARA: No! Stop!

_(Too late, they turn around to see JOHN standing over the open stasis pod, crowbar in one hand. In the other hand, he has a bottle of water which he proceeds to pour on the Prothean's face before anyone can stop him. They all watch in stunned silence. Liara starts crying.)_

LIARA: He could have told us everything!

JOHN: What? You said you wanted to wake him up! I woke him up!

JANE: That was pretty dumb, John. How'd you know it wouldn't blow up?

JOHN: Oh. I never thought of that. He doesn't look quite like those bug things. Still got a lot of eyes, though.

EDI: Protheans used their multiple eyes very effectively by all accounts.

_(An annoyed, somewhat blurry voice escapes the pod)_

VOICE: They would if I could open them anyway. Why the hell are you guys all talking like primitives?

_(A bedraggled creature steps out of the pod, squinting. After a painful glimpse of sunlight, it shades its eyes and rubs its head)_

JOHN: _(Produces a flask out of nowhere) _Here, buddy.

PROTHEAN: Thanks. _(Takes a sip, then spits it out)_ What is this crap? Gorv hasn't been making it out of Turian tomatoes again, has …_ (He trails off as his eyes adjust and he takes in his surroundings.)_ This isn't the barracks, is it?

JANE: Not exactly. You were in that stasis pod. You've been frozen for 50,000 years.

PROTHEAN: Sure. Right. And you're my great great great great granddaughter and you need me to run errands for you, right? Where's the cyborg and squid people?

EDI: I prefer the term "Synthetic."

PROTHEAN: No. No no no no. Come on, guys, come out! I'm hung over and this isn't funny!

LIARA: This is not a joke, my studies indicate that the pod you were in is a genuine remnant of the ancient past.

PROTHEAN: Honey, I appreciate you playing along for your tip and all, but the joke's over. I will pay double what they promised if you drop the act and bring them out here. I am really freaking out right now!

LIARA: I am not your Honey! I am an expert on Prothean lore and artifact retrieval!

PROTHEAN: You're… not a stripper? _(LIARA just glares at him)_

JOHN: Face it, dude. You're in the future.

PROTHEAN: This is totally not happening.

JANE: We understand this is difficult. Can you tell us your name? What do you remember?

PROTHEAN: Javik. I was at a party… I only had a few drinks. The base came under attack… I got in some container. _(Giggles)_ The base commander was pretty mad. I could hear him hammering on my box. I told him to go get his own. Maybe this was his own. Oh sh.. The Reapers! They're the ones who attacked us!

JOHN: Hey, that's who we're fighting! I think. There are the Cerberus guys too. And the Geth. And the Collectors. And the Batarians. Sometimes the Krogan.

JANE: He gets the picture.

LIARA: You must have some knowledge on how to fight these Reapers, Javik. Some secret strategy that you were told to remember?

JAVIK: Get them drunk?

JOHN: That's what I said!

EDI: Ineffective. Machines do not ingest alcohol with negative results.

JAVIK: Freaky. AI's are so illegal. Or were illegal. Wow. _(To JOHN)_ Let me have that flask back. _(He takes a hefty swallow)_ I can't help you. Me and my buddies just focused on staying alive... wow… they're dead, aren't they?

JANE: Yes. I'm sorry. We could really use whatever help you could give us. We're trying to build a Prothean device to defeat the Reapers.

JAVIK: Not your fault. And I'll do whatever I can to help you beat those things. They're what got me into this mess.

**INT: ENGINEERING DECK: PORT SIDE CARGO STORAGE: THAT EVENING**

_(JANE has decided to check on JAVIK and see how he's fitting in. She enters the room to find a tense standoff involving Javik, who is kneeling with his hands behind his head, and 5 unnamed alliance soldiers led by a guy whose voice is strangely familiar)_

JANE: What's going on here?

LEADER: The handbook states that all new species must be treated with hostility. We're not sure why, but when we explained that it was required, this Prothean guy got in position for us.

JAVIK: It was the least I could do. They're being very nice about it. Even brought me dinner!

JANE: _(To Leader)_ I know your voice from somewhere. Do you do advertising for Francis Kitt and his Elcor playhouse?

LEADER: I'm the voice of the Codex. I made Bioware promise to give me a speaking role in the gameplay when I realized everyone was hitting the "show all as read" button. This role as a jerk soldier no one ever sees again in DLC that only some of the players got was all they had.

JANE: I see. I think we can trust our Prothean friend here. Let him go. He'll help us fight the reapers.

JAVIK: I offer you every bit of knowledge that I have. Number one, Asari are totally hot.

JANE: See, nothing to fear except casual sexism and incessant washing machine comparisons.

JAVIK: In my cycle, the colors and the whites were put in together. _(They all look at him) _What? We liked Pink!


	9. Chapter 9: Old McVictus Had a Bomb

**Mock Effect 3**

**Chapter 9: Old McVictus had a Bomb (Ee Ay Ee Ay Oh!)**

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: WAR ROOM**

_(JANE Shepard, having exhausted all other possible options, including the multi-player set up maps, has finally returned to the primary mission. She approaches PRIMARK VICTUS to find out what his urgent mission is about.)_

JANE: Alright, Primark. What do you need taken care of?

PRIMARK: _(Hisses)_ Not here! The Krogan could hear it!

WREX: _(Across room)_ The Krogan could hear what?

PRIMARK: See?

JANE: Fine. Come on into the alcove. Wrex, don't you have shooting practice with John downstairs?

WREX: As if I need it! You two lovebirds better use protection!

_(The PRIMARK & JANE walk into the communication alcove, while WREX leaves and chuckles to himself.)_

JANE: Now, what is it?

PRIMARK: I can't tell you.

JANE: Listen, I can't help if I don't know what I'm helping with.

PRIMARK: Still can't do it. You have to go check on the squad originally assigned the mission. Lieutenant Victus can tell you more.

JANE: Lieutenant Victus, eh? Just dandy. I thought Turians didn't like nepotism.

PRIMARK: Just check on the mission, please? It's of vital importance!

JANE: Sure. But when I get back we're going to have a long talk about trust.

_(After pulling GARRUS away from his beloved calibrations and JAVIK away from his memories, JANE boards the shuttle. Unsurprisingly, JOHN is already there.)_

JOHN: Wrex said you guys had a secret mission. I decided you ought to do it with two fully promoted Spectres aboard.

GARRUS: Because the best sniper in the Galaxy isn't enough.

JAVIK: Or the recently resurrected ancient alien with psychic powers.

JANE: The more the merrier.

JOHN: W00t! Let's kill some stuff.

_(The shuttle heads for TUCHANKA & the rendezvous point provided by the PRIMARK, but en route receives a distress call filled with static.)_

**INT: SHUTTLE: TUCHANKA AIRSPACE: NIGHT (FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN IT ADDS SEVERITY)**

DISTRESS CALL: This is [static] of the [static]. HEL[static]!

JANE: Edi can you clear that up?

EDI: _(Over radio)_ I will try.

DISTRESS CALL: KHHHHHAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!

JANE: Wrong one.

EDI: Whoops. Here it is.

DISTRESS CALL: This is Lieutenant Tarquin Victus of the Ninth platoon! Come in anybody! We need help! Now!

GARRUS: Tarquin Victus? He's a graduate of my school! Very skilled. Came up with some great slogans.

JANE: Just what we need. Edi, patch me in. _(To radio)_ This is Commander Shepard of the Normandy. We're on our way.

LT VICTUS: Oh good! I'll send up a flare so you know where I am.

JANE: Won't that let the enemy… _(A flare lights up the horizon)_ Never mind. You said you know this joker?

GARRUS: I didn't say he was the brightest kid in his class. He thought he could hide in a refrigerator to avoid a nuclear blast!

**EXT: TUCHANKA: A DARK & STORMY NIGHT**

_(The shuttle lands, and they get out. They are far enough back of the platoon's position that some stealth can be achieved.)_

JOHN: What is this, that prison mission again?

JANE: Whatever it is, it's a long walk. _(Looks back to CORTEZ)_ Why all the way out here?

CORTEZ: This is where the script says to drop you!

JAVIK: In my cycle, we did not use scripts.

GARRUS: They made use them all the time back at C-Sec.

_(Reluctantly they start walking. They soon come upon a crashed escape pod.)_

GARRUS: No survivors.

JOHN: What are we doing here again? I mean, I didn't get roped into a rescue mission, did I?

JANE: Afraid so.

JOHN: Crap. _(Has an idea)_ This is one of those tunnel maps, right?

JANE: Looks like it. Though if we look at all the corners, we might find some gear.

JOHN: Cool! _(He uses biotic charge to speed ahead. A moment later he's back.)_ Finally some action! We have Cannibals attacking a Turian position just ahead.

JANE: Great! Garrus, you take the right, I'll take the left. Javik and John can do the … Now where'd he go?

_(They run ahead to see JOHN slamming into the last of the Cannibals. He is looking very smug when a Harvester lands behind him. It only takes one barrage for him to realize the double cross. He jumps into cover near JANE.)_

JOHN: What the..! Not cool! Shoot it!

_(Everyone starts taking potshots, including the beleaguered Turians. The harvester is soon history. The troops gesture that they will work their way towards the flare. They don't look happy. The mission continues.)_

JAVIK: In my cycle, we had more interesting road trips. This is barely a one star.

JANE: Just thank your lucky stars we're not in Dragonage 2. It was all the same cave!

GARRUS: Hey parts of it were closed off for different missions!

JOHN: Keep telling yourself that. It'll make the complete character departure for Anders palatable.

_(GARRUS glares at him and they move on. They find an open area with lots of chest high rocks. JANE takes this as her cue to get in cover. JOHN takes it as his cue to charge into a wall. He recovers quickly and grabs something at his feet. A moment later, there is a phenomenal explosion and the Harvester that was landing with a Brute & some Cannibals is reduced to some really disgusting goo in the far corner. A few Turians that were penned in on the far wall jump down.)_

TURIAN: I'm Lieutenant Victus. Thank the spirits you're here. And you brought Proff V!

SECOND TURIAN: Yeah, thank the spirits. Because in another minute we were going to join them, and I don't think they would have enjoyed your idiotic company!

JANE: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on here. Before any mutiny takes place, I need to find out what this mission was about. And what the heck Proff V means!

GARRUS: Short for Professor Vakarian. Mr. Archangel seemed a little over the top.

LT VICTUS: Right Proff! Cerberus has a bomb. They're going to set it off and destroy the Kelphic Valley.

GARRUS: That would have to be a really big bomb. You remember our class on defusing bombs?

LT VICTUS: Sort of. It's all a bit of a blur after Linderman messed his up.

GARRUS: Understandable. How'd you end up here?

LT VICTUS: Well, the writers were trying to make it an object lesson about tactics. Sometimes a direct assault is worth the cost.

JANE: A foreshadowing of the conclusion? Why this early? The end of the story can't be that bad!

JAVIK: You say that now, but you try waking up with a 50,000 year old hangover.

TURIAN SOLDIER: And his idiotic sneak-around-the-enemy move got us pinned down and nearly killed! You need to be hung & court-martialed!

LT VICTUS: I don't think that order would work out properly.

JANE: _(To the men) _Now that's no way to talk to your commanding officer! _(Takes LT VICTUS aside) _Inspire them! Remind them what's at stake! That their sacrifice will save the honor of those already dead and the lives of those to come!

_(LT VICTUS faces the troops. They do not look impressed.)_

LT VICTUS: Men! I own what happened here today, but we must carry on!

TURIAN SOLDIER: Why?

LT VICTUS: Because we are Turian and we will not let Cerberus succeed!

TURIAN SOLDIER: Why?

LT VICTUS: Our sacrifice is the difference between life and death for this entire galaxy!

TURIAN SOLDIER: No it's not!

LT VICTUS: It is too!

_(JANE throws her hands up in the air and begins to kick rocks around the yard while the bickering goes on. GARRUS steps up from behind LT VICTUS. He puts a hand on his shoulder and begins to speak.)_

GARRUS: Hello men. You know me. I'm Garrus Vakarian. I'm a top of the line detective who is also the best sniper you'll never see. You may have heard of Archangel? I was him in my spare time. _(The men are silent. GARRUS continues)_ I run a school now. A school of badassery. You see this lieutenant behind me? He was a graduate of that school. There are things he knows about explosions you can't even begin to fathom. He's so tough, he made the drill sergeants cry. He took a wrong turn on this mission. Are you going to give up on the entire war because the Reapers knocked down one ship?

TURIAN SOLDIER: _(Kind of ashamed)_ Well, that was the general idea, yeah.

GARRUS: Well he wouldn't_. _Now get your weapons ready and let's go take out those Cerberus sons of … _(Turns to JOHN)_ What are they sons of again? I forget.

JOHN: _(Patiently)_ Something nasty. Brutal. Vicious. We don't feel bad about killing them at all.

GARRUS: … Sons of tax collectors!

_(The Soldiers salute GARRUS & LT VICTUS and then quickly find something else to do. JANE, JOHN, JAVIK, GARRUS & LT VICTUS return to planning.)_

JANE: So why wouldn't your father talk to me about the bomb on the ship? Wrex doesn't have a problem with killing Cerberus.

LT VICTUS: Er… it's not their bomb. It belongs to us. It's a Turian bomb.

JOHN: _(Erupts)_ WHAT? You two timing backstabbers! You'd sterilize a planet of awesomeness and then stick a bomb under its most populated area? _(Pauses) _Wait, actually, that makes sense. Carry on.

LT VICTUS: _(Looking at JOHN oddly)_ Well Cerberus found it. And if they explode it, it will kill a lot of people. And it will be kind of obvious that it's Turian. So we have to go disarm it, or we lose the support of the Krogan, which means we lose Palaven, which means you lose your war.

JOHN: Does this mean we don't get paid?

JANE: Ignore him. We'll stop this bomb!

_(The meeting adjourns, and LT VICTUS gets his men ready for the attack. JANE & her crew will hit at a different location. Alas, Cerberus sees them coming and lays a thick barrage on their landing area.)_

**EXT: TUCHANKA: OMAHA BEACH: DAYTIME (ALL OF A SUDDEN)**

_(CORTEZ has taken the shuttle out of danger, but JANE, JOHN, GARRUS & JAVIK are huddled behind a piece of debris hoping the gunners will take a break.)_

JOHN: You and your big ideas. They'll never see us coming, you said. We'll scare the pants off them, you said.

JANE: Just shut up while I'm trying to think. Garrus, can you snipe the gunners?

GARRUS: I'm brave, I'm not suicidal!

JANE: Javik… _(He just smirks at her) _nevermind. I'll come up with something.

JAVIK: While you are doing that I will use biotics to slowly infect them all with a deadly poison.

_(After a minute, the guns stop. JAVIK is grinning.)_

JOHN: Now that was cool. Can I learn that trick?

JAVIK: Only if you play the multi-player.

JOHN: Dang it.

_(They proceed further into the ruins of what appears to be a city.)_

JAVIK: Ah yes. A krogan city. They were quite beautiful in their simplicity.

JANE: You mean the Krogan had a civilization? Before they blew each other up?

GARRUS: Whoa whoa hold it. That conversation is reserved for the Genophage mission.

JAVIK: You have strange friends.

JANE: Said the talking piece of the ancient past… _(Shrugs)_ I'm used to it.

JOHN: Hey, guys, where are the Cerberus morons? We just keep walking and there's nothing to shoot.

_(A turret opens up on them from around the corner)_

JOHN: Now that's more like ... it. _(He crashes into the turret, expecting a fight, but there are no Cerberus troopers anywhere in the area. He finally spies one in the distance.) _ Get back here!

_(They run to catch up only to spy the Cerberus mook getting on board a shuttle.)_

JOHN: Cowards! Face me like a … genetically modified soldier incapable of thought, but capable of screaming "need reinforcements"!

JANE: Calm down, they're gone. Now we just need to find that bomb.

JAVIK: Far be it from me to suggest you primitives are idiots, but if the enemy troops incapable of conscious thought are leaving, shouldn't you be leaving too?

JANE: Life of the galaxy, and all that.

_(JAVIK shrugs as if to day "When you're right, you're right" and they work their way towards the giant ball held up on cranes in the middle of the city. Up at the controls is LT VICTUS. He is concentrating carefully. As the crew of the NORMANDY approach, he starts shouting.)_

LT VICTUS: No, you doggone paperclip; I do not need help defusing this bomb!

CLIPPIT: Would you like me to bring up a list of Frequently Asked Questions?

JANE: Wow. This guy again. When did you people build this thing?

GARRUS: It says here made in 850 CE. 1400 years ago. You can defuse this?

LT VICTUS: _(Cracks neck)_ I played a lot of minesweeper at the Badass Academy, sir. I can do this.

JOHN: You idiot, you don't need to do that. You just have to cut the red wire. I've seen it done dozens of times.

LT VICTUS: I can handle it! Whoa. That block was a 3.

JOHN: Quit playing games and help me open this panel.

_(A sniper shot hits the wall between the two of them.)_

JOHN: _(To JANE)_ Do you mind taking care of that? I mean, while I save the world and all that.

LT VICTUS: You mean while WE save the world.

JOHN: Whatever.

_(JANE, JAVIK & GARRUS take up positions forward of the bomb controls. For reasons known only to Cerberus, they start shooting at the defenders instead of the people trying to dismantle their huge bomb. Javik takes offense to this and uses his biotics to seize control of the shuttle driver attempting to land troops. He tosses it around like a toy and throws it over the nearest wall.)_

JANE: How did you people lose the war again?

JAVIK: Slowly.

_(Seeing the futility of more shuttles, Cerberus throws down an Atlas containing the unluckiest guy in the squad. On the one hand, he gets blown up by Shepard, or on the other he gets blown up by the bomb. As soon as it lands the Atlas heads in the opposite direction as fast as it can. They let it go.)_

GARRUS: Now there was a smart Cerberus operative.

JANE: He's still using his brain.

JAVIK: I could hit him.

JANE: Nah. _(To JOHN)_ How's it going?

JOHN: _(Head buried deep in panel of wires)_ I can't find any red ones!

LT VICTUS: This calls for a moment of bravery!

_(Before anyone can tell him to stop, he runs up to the top of the bomb and starts pulling pieces off.)_

JANE: Why didn't he do that to start with?

GARRUS: Beats me.

JAVIK: One of them is stuck. I will get … _(LT VICTUS has jumped down and is tugging on the pieces that hold the trigger to the bomb.) _would someone tell that idiot to get out of the way?

LT VICTUS: Almost got it! Oh no, the second one is latched on!

_(At the same moment JOHN shouts from underneath.)_

JOHN: Got it! _(Triumphantly snips the elusive red wire, and the entire structure around the bomb collapses.) _Oops.

JANE: Where did Victus go? He was hanging on the edge there!

JAVIK: _(Sounding bored)_ I got him. He's over there.

JANE: He's alive? How?

JAVIK: Do none of you know how to use the biotic pull?


	10. Chapter 10: Projectile Dysfunction

**Mock Effect 3**

**Chapter 10: Projectile Dysfunction**

**INT: NORMANDY 2.0: WAR ROOM: AFTER THE BOMB**

_(During the previous mission, JANE & JOHN SHEPARD and friends managed to defuse a huge bomb set up on Tuchanka that had been planted there by Turians a long time ago)_

WREX: You did what?!

PRIMARCH VICTUS: We disarmed a bomb that would have taken out your most heavily populated areas.

WREX: But you planted it there!

PRIMARCH VICTUS: And I suppose you were on your way to Palaven to plant flowers and sing kum-by-ya?

JANE: Enough! Primarch, you should have told us when we became allies, so we could avoid

conversations like this. Wrex, calm down, you had a secret mission too, I believe?

WREX: _(Resentful) _Yeah…

JANE: Well, out with it.

WREX: In front of him?

JANE: After the last one, how bad could it be?

WREX: There are reports of Rachni going around.

JOHN: I saw them on TMZ last night. Expel 10 is better, but they're a pretty good band.

WREX: No… real Rachni. The strange cockroach things we fought on Noveria back in the day. I sent a team in to find out, and they disappeared.

JOHN: Ooh. Spooky.

WREX: We need to find out what's going on, so I've got my best scouts lined up to go in there, but it would be better to send you with them.

JOHN: Wait a minute. Rachni, not the band? The bug things? I killed the last one, your team can relax.

WREX: I know, I was there. But the reports are almost enough to suspect a retcon.

JANE: I hate retcons. We'll go. Primarch, you and Adrian have a good long talk about tactics.

PRIMARCH VICTUS: Oh, trust me, we will.

JANE: Make sure you cover stealth tactics. Heck knows we can't teach them.

JOHN: What's stealth?

_(The PRIMARCH leaves the room, and WREX heads to MORDIN's lab to check on EVE. JANE & JOHN head for the shuttle, snagging JAMES & LIARA on the way. As they shuttle over to the meeting point, EDI briefs them over the radio)_

**INT: SHUTTLE: UTUKKU: TIME TO BUY A WATCH**

EDI: You will be meeting with Aralakh Company. They are a well-known group of Krogan Commandos.

JOHN: Wait, the Schwarzenegger type or the No-underwear type?

EDI: _(A pause, which is as close as a robot can come to a sigh)_ The former. The reports are troubling, given that you eliminated the last Rachni queen when you encountered her on Noveria.

JANE: Against my judgment. I told you it was a bad idea.

JOHN: Killing bugs is never a bad idea. That's why I…

_(The shuttle lands and as JOHN faces JANE, the doors open behind him. Before he can finish his sentence, he is yanked out of the shuttle into a bear hug/head butt with GRUNT!)_

GRUNT: Shepard! What are you doing here? Did you get promoted too?

JANE: Sort of. We're here to help you investigate the Rachni threat.

GRUNT: Yes, they do pose a serious threat to the culture of quality orchestrations. Er… I mean, that band sucks!

JOHN: The bug things, not the band.

GRUNT: Oh? Interesting. I look forward to the chance to experience their abilities firsthand.

LIARA: It's good to meet you again, Grunt.

GRUNT: Huh? I've never met you before.

LIARA: What? The dossier said… Oh dear. _(LIARA turns aside and mutters at thin air)_

GRUNT: Is she alright?

JANE: Just being her strange self. She's talking to her personal assistant drone… I hope.

JAMES: You get used to it. I'm James Vega. I could beat you in a fight.

GRUNT: Is pugilism the only way to impress you people?

_(They walk from the landing area to the camp. JANE makes conversation)_

JANE: So, Grunt, I thought you were running a library on Tuchanka, how did you end up out here?

GRUNT: I learned a hard lesson.

JOHN: That books are boring?

GRUNT: Hardly. Rather, that it is not in one's best interest to pursue overdue books that are checked out by trigger happy warlords. Especially if one happens to mention that some of them were on flower arrangement. They take it badly.

JOHN: You're on the run?

GRUNT: No. Wrex "promoted" me to commander of this company to get me out of his hair. _(Before John can ask) _ I speak figuratively, of course.

JANE: They can't have taken too well to a tank bred being in charge…

GRUNT: It took some persuasion, but we're on good terms now. I brought a few books with me to pass the time, and I was able to show them my skill set.

JOHN: You put them to sleep?

GRUNT: Ha! No, I showed them how great books can be. We're working our way through Treasure Island this time.

JANE: An excellent choice.

GRUNT: _(Shrugs) _Robinson Crusoe seemed a little depressing.

_(They arrive at the camp. Rickety structures hang precariously off the walls of a canyon. Salutes are exchanged, and GRUNT sends them ahead. To their surprise, the building does not lead to the path down into the cave and instead starts to fall down the embankment instead. Fortunately, this area of the canyon is not deep and they land with not much damaged other than their pride.)_

GRUNT: _(Shouting down from above)_ Whoops… it's a little shaky. Should've warned you about that.

JANE: _(Brushing herself off)_ Now he tells us. _(Shouts up) _ We'll meet you further in, alright?

JAMES: Looks like a cave down here.

LIARA: There's something by the mouth…

JANE: It's a body. I guess this guy didn't survive the fall when the camp fell apart the first time.

JOHN: Well he came prepared. Look at this flamethrower!

JANE: Why would you need a _(her voice trails off as she sees that the entrance to the cave is covered in webbing)_ Oh great, spider-man's been here.

_(Pressing forward, they encounter more webbing, some strange egg things that JOHN burns before anybody can look at them, and more flamethrowers.)_

JANE: I have a bad feeling about this.

JOHN: You have a bad feeling about everything.

JAMES: To be fair, she's usually right.

_(Ahead is an open chamber that doesn't look like a trap at all. They jump down, and are promptly pinned down by some sort of mortar fire.)_

LIARA: What is that?

JOHN: You look, I like my head where it is.

JANE: It's not like you use it.

JOHN: Hey, without my pretty face, you'd be in even worse scrapes than you already are.

JANE: Oh yeah? _(mocking)_ I'm a ruthless scoundrel, I shoot every problem that gets in my way, it never causes any more problems! What would have happened if you'd paused and listened for once? Like if you'd listened to me and saved the Rachni Queen back on Noveria? But noooo, you just had to dump the acid on her. There goes the intergalactic early warning system!

_(JAMES, as eager to get out of the foxhole as he is to do 183 chin-ups, throws a grenade out into the attack. They hear an even bigger explosion and the artillery fire stops. Everyone gets up and looks around)_

JANE: What was that?

LIARA: Whatever it was made a pretty big mess.

JOHN: Well, we certainly know it's green, anyway.

_(They torch some more eggs, these ones containing some nasty looking bugs. JOHN wastes an entire flamethrower tank on one bug and then switches weapons and starts pistol whipping them. He & JAMES soon begin a contest to see who can hit one the furthest. It ends when JOHN throws his pistol over the cliff by accident and LIARA has to retrieve it with biotics.)_

**INT: UTUKKU: STRANGE CAVE: EMPTY ROOM**

_(They meet up with GRUNT & his team in a large room with strange wires hanging from the stalactites. GRUNT is very excited.)_

GRUNT: They've modified them! I don't know how, but they've modified the genetic structure of the Rachni!

JANE: So that's what they were. We were too busy ducking.

GRUNT: I grabbed one so I could get a closer look but I had to throw it in a crevasse instead. How did the acid from before somehow attain explosive properties and shell casings? Completely dysfunctional…

JAMES: Artillery bugs?

JOHN: Huh?

GRUNT: _(Pauses, notes his audience)_ We should shoot them!

JOHN: Right! Where they at?

GRUNT: They seem to be protecting the central chamber that's through that door. We'll hold them off here, you go deal with the boss!

JANE: Wait, why are we puny humans in the central chamber dealing with the big bad thing, and you huge redundant nervous system Krogan out here fighting off bugs?

GRUNT: You're more gullible than we are? _(Shrugs apologetically to JANE's glare)_

JOHN: CHARGE!

**INT: UTUKKU: BOSS CHAMBER: STUCK**

_(The charge ends as abruptly as it started, as JOHN stares confusedly at the metal wall in front of him.)_

LIARA: Is there a way around?

JAMES: The reapers really don't want us to get in here.

JANE: _(Pops shot into the conveniently placed magic keyhole) _Too bad.

_(What they see is not a swarm of timed Rachni & Husks that come out every time they shoot the keyhole, but an enormous Rachni queen, surrounded by bodies of dead Krogan)_

JOHN: I guess we know what happened to the flamethrower guys. Thanks for the cool toys, guys.

ZOMBIE KROGAN: _(Responding much to JANE'S horror and JOHN'S confusion)_ No problem.

JANE: Why? Why are there always zombies? Wait… Rachni… Zombies… enormous Queen in front of us…

JOHN: We're talking to the giant bug again.

ZOMBIE KROGAN/RACHNI QUEEN: The … maddening sour note has ceased.

JOHN: I thought we killed you.

JANE: For the record, it was an accident, I was trying to stop him.

RACHNI QUEEN: We listen for the children … they are silent, hollow. The machines come and take them to war…

JANE: Oh come on! Can't we ever catch a break?

JAMES: Commander, it's not her fault.

JANE: I know that, but this is ridiculous. We made this decision _(Glares at JOHN)_ back in the first game, and now the whole trip to Noveria was useless. Well except to give you nightmares, Liara.

LIARA: Thanks for bringing that up. I had almost forgotten my mother in that ridiculous outfit.

JOHN: Retcon, schmetcon, what can you do for us now?

RACHNI QUEEN: We can betray you later and start eating the crew. But all you'll know about it is a blip on your galaxy at war screen. Only one shackle remains! Release us!

GRUNT: _(Over the radio)_ Shepard! We need to get out of here! Their tactics are improving! If my men and I don't move now, we're dead!

LIARA: _(Shouting)_ She needs time to escape!

JANE: Hey, quit that. Why do you need to shout?

LIARA'S ECHO: _(returning)_ She needs time to escape…escape…escape!

JANE: Oh.

LIARA: I was also trying to increase the tension and make up for the lack of decision from the developers by amping up the drama for this after-decision. We can either save the crack squad of Krogan or the Queen.

JOHN: Meh, I like the Krogan better. Get to the choppah!

_(JOHN, LIARA, JAMES, and the Krogan Squad run for the exit, GRUNT leading the way. JANE hesitates for a second, and then fires a shot at the last shackle, releasing the queen just in time for the Rachni artillery bugs to start aiming for her.)_

**INT: UTUKKU: CAVE TUNNEL: FEW MINUTES LATER**

_(JANE has caught up with the rest of them, and GRUNT has snuck ahead to recon the area)_

JOHN: Now what did you do that for?

JANE: No one deserves to die in a cage.

JOHN: Lame. Better her than us.

JANE: Well, maybe she'll get a couple shots in before they blow her to smithereens. _(JOHN shrugs)_

GRUNT: _(Returning)_ Bad news, folks.

JANE: Color me surprised.

GRUNT: The tunnels ahead are swarming with Rachni.

JOHN: Sweet. Charging time!

GRUNT: No. It's time for a dramatic sacrifice video.

JOHN: Aw man. Those always make me tear up. It ruins my manly image.

JANE: _(Snorts)_ Can we do anything?

GRUNT: Listen to the background music.

_(They all listen for a second, and sure enough that slow piano music has started up again.)_

JANE: Nothing for it, then.

JOHN: It was good fighting with you Grunt.

GRUNT: I've been your friend since the moment you first shot me on the Normandy. Thanks for letting me do this.

_(They run down the empty pathway that the Rachni have conveniently left open, while GRUNT charges to rousing strings. He effectively wipes out the bugs near him, but a second contingent follows, and he is forced to the edge of the cliff. The last they see of Grunt is him grabbing a nearby bug and jumping off the cliff on top of it.)_

**EXT: UTUKKU: SHUTTLE: MOMENT OF DRAMATIC SADNESS**

CORTEZ: Where's your friend?

JANE: This is it. We're the last ones out.

CORTEZ: I'm sorry.

_(The slow piano suddenly picks up and JOHN stops rubbing his eyes to get rid of what he insists is a speck of dust.)_

JOHN: Wait! What's that?

_(Staggering out of the canyon, bleeding from several places, GRUNT staggers towards the shuttle. JANE, JOHN, and a couple members of Grunt's team run up and help him on. He mutters something and Jane leans in to hear it)_

GRUNT: They don't… bounce… nearly as high … as I thought…


End file.
